Dizzy.

Not just from my 5km jog that made me almost faint on the sidewalk. 

Today is definitely one of my "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" days. 

Yesterday I was calm and collected, not worried or concerned about the future. Last night, I was feeling confident and sexy driving way too fast on the highway, deafening myself to music with the windows down, and rocking leather pants and heels... and smiling.

Speed + heels = sexy. 

I was in control. 

Alas.

Today I am indecisive. Things are changing (or not changing) depending on how you look at it. That confidence I was feeling last night is now being shadowed by uncertainty and frustration. 

I just need to get through work tonight and then I will have a few days off to reflect and figure out what the fuck I am doing. 

Hopefully. 

I need a healthy distraction from the best distraction ever. 

The Head and the Heart.

Walking around in a daze. 

A permanent smile on my face. 

I'll always remember sitting at a street light in my car dancing together to music I will only ever associate with you. I was making fun of you, but then I joined in on the silliness. Being myself comes easily with you. 

My heart has been reminded of what it can feel with the right person, and be able to recognize when someone feels the same way. 

I've always been a romantic, and believer that things can work out if you want them to. 

I'm lost in my mind. I'll remember every moment we spent together, and hope we see each other again. 

Fantasy World.

I just looked at my bank balance. 

I am amazingly broke. I ask myself... how is it possible? 

Thennnnnn I look at photos from the past couple months and all of the activities I have done... And how little I have actually worked. 

Ah. It makes sense. 

Summer is the greatest. ❤ 

It was all fun until this weekend. Then everything changed... 

This past weekend was beautiful. It was surreal, romantic, encompassing - like a movie, but actually was real life. I'm not even going to write details because it does not feel like it truly happened. Feels more like a dream I want to keep to myself forever. Unfortunately it is all over now and back to real life. 

Life is so ironic and unexpected. 

Love is all around me. 

I feel beautiful. 

What just happened? 

Surreal, but so nice.

❤ I have had a lot of insight on my life and direction since I have been away. It is a beautiful thing. 

I mean, the plans have been in the works for the past couple of months and not many people know about them. I'm a little... Embarrassed (?) may not be the best word.. Hesitant. Yes, that's a more accurate description. Hesitant of sharing my goals because they are incredibly risky and new. I'm not the most confident person in these ideas yet. 

However, sharing them with people that I hardly know was exhilarating. Having the support of people I truly do not know says something to me. They do not know anything about me, but can tell how passionate I am about the idea to be understanding. I'm not sure how I surround myself with such wonderful people on the regular. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at expressing my gratitude. 

But yes, I have been waking up to different ideas and physically writing them down. My memory seems to be getting worse and don't want to lose any of my thoughts. 

Including this one... 

Today was a surreal day for me. Not many people can understand it, and I'm not sure if ill be able to accurately describe it.

But I will try.

I was sitting with my aunt by the water. We were chatting about my future goals and I was listening to insight about relationships. She asked me many tough questions, which I had an answer for each one, or left me thinking after. 

I was reading a romance novel, which I will give to her when I am finished. 

We walked along the shore and in the shallow water, stopping to put our feet in the natural baths the rock had formed centuries ago. 

I wish I had taken a photo. Not because of the surroundings, but for the moment. I am somewhere I have never been before but feel at home. I guess the right people make you feel that way. 

My aunt and I sat there for a while, in silence, in our own thoughts. However I was just thinking about her - how absolutely wonderful she is. Considering we didn't spend very much time together until a few years ago, we are close. She is the closest thing to a mother that I will ever know, and it's surreal and scary at the same time. It reminds me of a time before my mom was sick, and the time we spent together. I'm not sure how to tell her how wonderful she is because I'm sure I would cry the way I am now writing this. I don't like being that vulnerable. 

But it was a moment that lasted hours and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. She reminds me of what family means, what it means to be part of that family and also what it takes to be great friend. There are not many people that have done that in my life, and it is refreshing. 

They say it only takes one person to save your life, and without knowing it, she has saved mine. ❤

Counting Stars.

(Great song.)

Exhausted.

It's been a lovely and busy week. However I've hardly been working.

Life is wonderful. 

I'm sitting in bed, listening. I cannot hear anything but the sound of water. This is when I'm truly at peace. 

I've been struggling lately with the fine line between loneliness and peacefulness. But tonight I can really tell the difference. In the city, there are days I sit on my balcony and all I hear are cars. i partially feel that I'm content, however it gives me a sense of sadness. 

When I'm near the water, life is exactly the way it's supposed to be - simple, beautiful and peaceful. Makes me question why I'm so determined to stay in the city, and why living somewhere tranquil is so scary. 

Nevertheless, I love this moment and this life I've been living. 

Date #2 was on Friday night, and there definitely were a couple red flags raised. The last time red flags were raised at the beginning, well, we all know how that turned out. However,I'm trying not to be limited and naive, and give the benefit of the doubt. The day and night was truly memorable and romantic. 

It was the first time I had been to Niagara in a while, and it was a beautiful day. We walked along the falls, went to the casino, had drinks at a restaurant where we were so close to the falls we could feel the mist while we ate, saw a comedy show and walked some more. 

We made plans to spend more time together this week. Not sure what that means. I'm not very good at the whole dating thing, but okay just to see what happens. 

For a few days I'm running away from it all. I'm not in a familiar place, or with familiar people... And it's wonderful. I was drunk by 5pm, no one cares.

The big meteor shower is tonight, and I'm incredibly happy that I can watch it out of the city. Something about the stars is so relaxing and .. Hopeful.

I wonder what I will wish for tonight.... 

Date night.

Sooooo I went on a first date tonight. It's been a very long time. I forgot how awkward it can be, but how I love the awkwardness. Maybe it's because I'm generally pretty comfortable, or I'm getting my confidence back up, but I had a good time being myself. I feel like I haven't in so long. 

It's also nice conversing with someone for 4 hours not worried that they are bored. I forgot how great it is to have someone look at you and act completely interested, because they genuinely are. Everything about me is new to them.

I've been lucky with this lately... No douchebags. 

Why do people rush through the dating phase? It is so fun and so uncomplicated. 

I'm still exhausted from the weekend, but so glad to be home. 

Turning over a new leaf. 

On the restaurant wall.

Osheaga.

Where do I even start?
I guess with the fact I had an amazing time.

I was hesitant about staying the entire weekend, when I found out we were going to be staying in a residence, rather than a hotel. I didn't exactly want to go crazy all weekend. I figured I would stay for Friday, then possibly leave Saturday to go home and relax during my time off.
Needless to say, that didn't happen.

Where and when I saw the bands and artists have become a big blur, but there are definitely points that stuck out. The overall trip was an adventure.

I'm just going to write the highlights because I'm far too exhausted to go into details.

Friday -
Breakfast made for me
Running out of gas in the middle of a small town in Quebec (no one spoke English)
Being about 8 rows of people from Ellie Goulding
Soaked by the fire hose... three times
Dancing on picnic tables to The Cure
4 cabs, 2 hotels and 2 bars later... Popular with the French apparently.
Bathroom photos at 4am

Saturday -
Sleeping in
VIP tent with unlimited beer
Being about 8 rows back from Tegan & Sara
Being FRONT ROW for Imagine Dragons
Trying MDMA, 8 hours
Wired all night
Went to an electronic club
Walked around alone for a little while I came down
Listened to music in the room until 3am

Sunday -
Rough morning
Left early to see Atlas Genius
Bought a 2$ umbrella
Late to see Atlas Genius because Tim Hortons took 20 minutes to make a bagel
Chilled on the grass by myself to music... didn't move spots for 11 hours
Meet a guy from Vermont, chatting for 3 hours
Got caught in a crazy downpour, laughing at how amazing it was
Drinking a lot of beer
Shoulder rides at The Lumineers
Shoulder rides and dancing at Mumford & Sons
Relaxing on the hill until it cleared out
Stopping for greek food at 1am
Worst sleep ever.

Monday -
Check out
Spent the last of the $500 I brought at breakfast
Stuck in traffic.. over and over
7.5 hours to get home, hardly kept my eyes open
Friends in 5 car accident
Exhausted.
Exhausted.
Exhausted.

The coolest part about festivals is that you see the same people all the time, yet there are other people you never see at all. This is something I was very thankful for by the end of the weekend. I'm referring to one person who I was blessed with not running into or seeing the entire time. And the one person who I actually connected with that was able to find me over and over.
What a breath of fresh air. This is the happiest I've been in a long while. Who knew.

Very happy to be home, just me and my kitty cat.
Oh, and my bed.

Music.

It's amazing how music can bring out different emotions. It's even more amazing that different songs by the same artist or band can bring out these different emotions. To me, that is beautiful music. 

I listen to Demons by Imagine Dragons and get goosebumps and fight off tears every time I hear it. But as soon as the song switches to On Top of the World, I feel happy and high and want to dance. 

Lows to highs in a matter of seconds. 

Really cool. 

I'm also obsessed with Capital Cities who I'm stoked to see tomorrow. It's going to be good.

Road Tripppppp!

Last night someone close to me told me I looked the most stressed out I've been in a while. The truth is, I was. 

A couple days ago, I found out something that I thought may destroy my belief in love. It did, for one day. I almost got looped into the fact I may never let it go. However, by yesterday my upset turned to anger. I had planned something that would really hurt someone. But seeing that I don't want to do things that purposely hurt someone, I have decided that I'm not going to act on it.

So last night I had a great sleep. My anger has now turned to acceptance that I'm not going to waste another day of my life dwelling on something that was doomed from the start. I think I had good intentions and I was taken advantage of for a very long time. 

I'm not going to let it keep me negative and hurt. I'm wiping my hands clean that I've done everything I could, and walk away. 

I'm going to enjoy the single life, and just go back to where I was before this whole ordeal happened. I'm not going to say I regret wasting my time, but would I do it completely differently? Abso (fucking) lutely. 

Finally having the realization that I was retarded for so long, doesn't make me want to jump into anything for a long time. I'm not going to make the same mistakes again. Maybe if something "falls into my lap" (figuratively not literally,of course), I will probably run in the opposite direction. 

So I have a lot of driving ahead of me over the next couple days. It's going to be nice to know that you are not my problem anymore. 

It's funny how "love" can give you a sense of security, when in reality it has changed my perspective about what I want. I may have made some mistakes, but I finally see that I was not the selfish one for a long time. 

It's been a breath of fresh air. I'm very glad that this happened, even though it was found out the wrong way. I genuinely hope things work out for you. It doesn't make sense to be unhappy that you're happy. 

Going to be an interesting weekend. Have no idea what to expect and I'm okay with that. Sounds more like the way I used to be, and the way I want to be.

Lets go.

Ready.

I think it's time to move on. I guess some people do this quicker than others. 

Jumping in with two feet. 

Lets see what happens. 

Yes, no.

It's decided- I'm not doing anything tomorrow. 

Yes I will sleep in.

Yes I will hang out in pjs.

Yes I will station myself on my couch.

Yes I will fart and relax.

Yes I will probably have a nap.

No, I will not leave my house or do anything exciting. I need a day off to do absolutely nothing. 

It's going to be heavenly. 

Only three more days of work until mini holiday. I cannot wait. 

Going to sleep exhausted from this week, but happy and excited for the week to come. 

Don't worry, that was the last time. 

Phases.

I have an issue with attention. I seem to lose interest in people, places and things on the regular. I may be infatuated with an idea and pour my heart and soul into it, only to lose interest the next day. 

I realize that many people my age have this issue- we are all just floundering about. 

This is a paradox. The things I want to be interested in, I am not. And the things I want desperately not to be interested in, I am drawn to. However, once I get looped in, the novelty loses its value very soon after. 

I think this idea goes further than "wanting what you can't have". It applies to every situation. My attention span is just low for everything. Or maybe I am interested in the excitement, and once I see that it's gone, I'm gone. The new and exciting wears off faster than it should, and I'm ready for the next person, place or thing. 

I guess that's why love is such a confusing complex. How can someone that is so inconsistent about every decision, be so delusional that they are determined to make a relationship work? It just doesn't make sense! 

I guess it takes a special person, place for thing to stick. Such as certain people that are consistent and can talk to everyday or my cat, my apartment and my car. 

This was just a blob of random thought that has been perplexing me on my day off. I guess I just go through phases... Or maybe I'm so lost because love was the only thing that keep me from spinning out of control. Now that its gone,I just don't know what to do with myself. 

I need some consistency. I'm too indecisive to be on my own. 

I hate this about myself. 

Even this post is inconsistent and jumps all over the place... And it's about inconsistency. Ugh. 

Lover.

There are some days that I don't have any idea what I'm doing.  Today is one of them. I'm looking back on today's events and I'm not sure what came over me. I'm battling with how I want to act around people and what I am ready for. It is a constant game of ping pong in my head. 

Sometimes I come off as forward, and I reflect later and think what the hell was I doing and maybe it was disappointing. Then there are other times when I stand behind the line of comfort and then reflect later whether I missed an opportunity. Either way it's hard to compare.

Everything keeps leading me back to being a hermit and away from anything that makes me battle invertly, and to get my shit together first. 

Alas, I am a lover, not a fighter, and a good (horny) one at that. 

Finally, a day off. 

Count is up at 6, eek. I look forward to the day I lose track. 

Cabana.

What? Cabana Pool Bar?

Justin Biebs was there today? And Deadmau5?

Well so was I. No big whoop.

However I was there last week too.. 

Get with the times Biebs. You're a little late on the "new, amazing pool bar in Toronto" wagon.

I'm ready to go back.

Now.

Now now now.

2.

I don't even know if this is the right thing to do anymore. 

I second guess my actions on a daily basis... I have to start over every time. 

It will get easier. 

Just a Thought.

Where are all the men ?

Maybe it's because I work in a restaurant and I don't meet a lot of older people, but I'm seriously not sure where all the real men are. 

I'm tired of being around irresponsible and sappy boys. Where are the guys that can show me a good time without all the stupid drama?

Ugh.

I'm not that mature, but for goodness sakes, grow up a bit. 

It's annoying... And tacky.

Maybe I'll just go celibate until someone actually wants to take me on a date because they are genuinely interested. It would be a loss for me, but would save me a lot of stupid conversation and irritation.

Interesting Article.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2176281/Generation-refuse-grow-No-mortgage-No-marriage-No-children-No-career-plan-Like-30-somethings-Marianne-Power-admits-shes-.html

My fear is not fear like so many others, my fear is that I am one of them too.

Summer Shenanigans.

 I never thought I would look so forward to a Tuesday. It's been the definition of summer today. My three day vacation started off exactly how I wanted. Stayed random all day.

Trespassed into an old flooded mine that looked like a quarry and relaxed and had a picnic. Pretended to be stealth and hid from security, and enjoyed the clear blue water for a while before being "kindly" asked to leave... Twice. 

Took the back roads home so we could enjoy the windows down and the hot temperatures. 

Went for Summerlicious downtown and ate delicious prime rib, but still left me craving for more.

Then went to Jacks for a birthday, which then turned into a late night of swimming in underwear at a pool with friends, poking fun at each other and enjoying the jets, in a more x-rated way. 

I could write more but I'm very tired. I looked good today and felt really good. Life can take some pretty unexpected turns. I think things are falling back into place. 

I can hardly keep my eyes op...

1

1.

One.

So strange. 

It's just the beginning. 

They're just going to keep adding up until I can't take it anymore. 

Beach day tomorrow.  

V. Excited. 

Shakespeare.

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him.

           (II.i.28–32)

Biggest Adventure.

Well. It all started at work. Where we played games for 3 hours before getting sent home. Had no gas so decided to sit tight at home. Got dinner brought to me and ate like it was the apocalypse. 

Last night and today was definitely the most exciting adventure I've had in my own apartment. 

Just got power back an hour ago. My area got hit the hardest.

Lived the simple life for almost an entire day without computer, phone or any type of electronic item. Plus, no food in my entire fridge or freezer and burnt out almost all the candles I had lying around. It was actually quite romantic of a situation. Peace and quiet.

Flooding in the entire first floor of the building and up to the second floor. Luckily my apartment was untouched. It felt a little like a horror film once my phone died and no flashlight. But hey, could've been worse. I actually had fun. Almost a little disappointed that the power is back on. 

I shall remember this blackout fondly.

 On a separate note, thinking of buying myself a new iMac. I have no money but hey, life could be worse.

Fairytales.

People have asked me why I haven't been writing lately, and the truth of the matter is that I didn't want to write about how happy I was because I knew deep down it wasn't going to be permanent. I've had some pretty lovely moments and fun times, but it was all temporary. It has left me feeling low and depressed. Ever since my birthday, things have gone down hill. Life is never a fairytale even when you're so happy it feels like it is.

I've always been a believer that things work out if they are meant to. I'm just tired of trying so hard to convince people that I'm worth the time. I guess I am not. It's been rubbed in my face numerous times in the last couple weeks. 

Fairytales are not fairytales without the knight in shining armour. 

Bad Intentions.

Sometimes I feel like my good intentions are seen as bad. Try to make new friends, and then it's the wrong thing to do. When I wear my heart on my sleeve, it's taken as a spiteful act. Even an apology is not enough, and I get cut out. 

There are some situations now that I just don't know what to do, so I just walk away from it all. It's not what I want, but what else can I do? 

Am I really that manipulative, cruel and unappreciative? 

Maybe I am. I sure feel like I'm doing it all wrong. 

Today, I am not a believer. 

Strange Morning.

I had some weird dreams last night. The first was about masked men hijacking a mall I was in, and I was trying to make sure my cat got out alive, so I shrunk her and put her in my pocket. 

The second one was cool because I was house shopping with my sister. But we were just moving into people's houses that weren't occupied but still living there.

The part that was the most interesting, was the fact that I woke up looking forward to reading the textbook I have for my course. I actually find it fascinating. This is different because I usually disliked reading my textbooks through my undergrad. However, I'm so interested in it that it may act as a substitute for my spare time reading. 

What is happening to me? 

Am I actually focused? 

Did I actually miss being in school? 

Huh.

Epiphany. 

Perfection.

Recently, I wrote about getting caught up in a simplistic moment. A breath of fresh air, so to speak. 

During my vacation, I had another one. One that lasted hours, but only felt like a few minutes. 

It was one of the most romantic nights of my life. Yet, it was so simple. The moon over the water, the sound of the waves and slow music in the background. The way my body moved ever so slowly as we danced, round and round. It started faster, then the rhythm changed, and we began to sway. My hair would fall into my face and you would tuck it behind my ear. I closed my eyes and leaned against you, listening to you sing the songs you wanted me to hear. I was lost in the moment. 

I'm writing about it because I don't want to forget it. On the way home I caught myself smiling about it.

It made me a believer again- in love mostly, but of happiness too. That chivalrous people still exist, and life can be simple if you want it to be. Don't hurt others for the sake of it, give what you receive, and that passion can be multi- faceted.

However, the most valuable lesson I was reminded of was to sit back and enjoy the ride, life is not that bad. 

Hangout Festival.

My weekend: 

Friday-

Ryan Bingham

Passion Pit *

Kings of Leon

Saturday-

Shovels & Ropes *

Bright Light Social Hour

Mowgli's

Gov't Mule

Bassnectar *

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Sunday-

Moon Taxi

Galactic 

Ellie Goulding *

Imagine Dragons *

Steve Aoki *

Stevie Wonder *

It's been a very busy weekend, with some common themes:

New drinks 

Beer

Beach time 

Seafood

Old music, new music

Full house

Cuddle buddies

Sleeping on the beach on the ocean 

Southern comfort/hospitality

Accents 

Pick up trucks

Fannypacks

Sunglass holders

Animal sabers 

No worries in the south, it's been really nice. 

Holiday.

The most stressful part of a vacation is obviously the preparation. There are so many things that need to be done and I'm very behind. It doesn't help that I cannot find my passport and I'm missing a bathing suit. 

I feel very disorganized and spent an hour trying to pack my suitcase. My difficulty is that I overpack. 

I feel so out of it. My excitement is being overtaken by retrospectively thinking of my behaviour as of late. I feel like I am leaving with things unresolved, but my actions guaranteed that it's the way it's going to be. I have to live with that. An apology is just words. 

I had a dream last night.

The final goodbye. The perfect goodbye.

I asked whether it was a dream or not. You said it was. It was time to let it all go. With a final perfect kiss, the dream fades and you're gone. 

It felt like an out of body experience where I couldn't tell if it was real. There have only been a few instances where this has happened to me. 

Is it weird that a dream gives you more closure than the realistic situation? Or is it just because it was the ideal outcome?

That's it.

You're only as sick as your secrets.

That's all I have to say anymore.

My vacation is coming at the perfect time.

Not a favourite.

I wonder if ill ever stop being asked about Mother's Day. 

No I'm not doing anything special - ill be sleeping in and just trying to get through the day. 

This moment.

Do you ever get caught up in a moment?

I mean, truly lose yourself in the world for maybe a second, minute or longer?

This may happen alone or with someone else. Your issues, life and people just fade away?

For me, it doesn't happen very often but I love the feeling it gives me. It feels like time has frozen, just for me, in that moment. I am unaware of time and responsibilities. It's a moment of true peace.

It's my day off today but I still have commitments and places to be at specific times. But in the midst of it, I got caught up in absolutely nothing.
I was lying on my balcony with the sun of my face, eyes closed. I hear the world continuing around me but don't notice. I smell the fresh cut grass.
It may have only lasted a moment or a few minutes, I can't be sure. Time was at a standstill. Unfortunately something brought me back, and with an element of alarm I was already wondering what time it was- did I miss my appointment?
I breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't miss my appointment, but with this sigh comes a feeling of regret that the moment is gone. I ruined it, time, life... Ruined it.

On days I work, I am more aware of time and its importance. But on my days off I do not wear a watch or check my phone as regularly. I try to avoid time because its inevitable, so why get consumed in its importance?

Highlight of my day.

At work.

Colleague from work: hey, I have a question for you.
Me: okay
Colleague from work: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: ... No... ( worried he was hitting on me)
Colleague from work: I'm just wondering because my friend was in here the other day, and you dropped off some food. He thinks you are one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen.
Me: -scoff- oh, that's interesting. Are you sure it was me?
Colleague from work: why, don't you think you're pretty?
Me: -silence- -modesty-
Colleague from work: -laugh- -walk away-

Flattering compliment.
No idea who this person is, but intrigued.

I mean, yes I'm confident. But one of the most beautiful girls ever? Maybe not that confident. However this isn't the first time someone has told me this out of the blue. So who knows.



Definitely still hung over from last night. You know it's a good evening when you don't remember saying goodbye to friends at the bar, taking the subway or the drive home, and falling asleep. Only to wake up in the morning and have others fill you in on the nights events.
This has only happened a couple times in my life. I guess drinking for 10 hours catches up to you without you even noticing.

Thursdays.

I figured I could only be on a high for so long before something happened. It wasn't just a bump, I was crying pretty hard because of it.
I'm reading a book that tell you to be consumed with the emotion so that you can identify it and deal with it instead of dwelling. So I just let it all out today, and I wouldn't say I feel better, but I definitely don't want to cry about it anymore. I was definitely upset and hurt <- emotions identified.

Growing up, I remember this well, I dreaded Thursdays. No matter what, I always had a bad day. This was probably because I expected bad things to happen so they did. But nonetheless, I hated all Thursdays.
Today is of course Thursday. And I get brought back to my childish thinking that Thursdays are the worst day of the week. I realized that I also found out I didn't get into school on a Thursday. I also think I was recently dumped on a Thursday.

Yeah... Thursdays are awful.

I'm going to crawl into a ball for the remainder of the night, wake up and be determined to make tomorrow an epic Friday. Just because I want to.

Take that Thursday, you're so yesterday.

Summer lovin'.

Some people wreck it for everyone, or they try. Once they see you're happy, they try to poop on your party.
But on a wonderful day like today, nothing can bother me. Life is too good right now to be down. I think it's shaping up to be a pretty fucking awesome summer.

No complaints, no regrets.

I hope this is my slogan throughout the summer.
Do I feel like dancing, um yup. Like a giddy little girl on her birthday.

How do you celebrate?!

I celebrate by spending more money.
2 weeks until my holiday!!
25 degree weather, beach, friends and of course 3 days of awesome music.

Oh and of course, with a hearty breakfast. I'm thinking smoothie.

Celebrate!!

Car loan - gone !!!

Last OSAP payment - done!!!

May 01 means I have more money for the things I want in my life!!
It's a good day!

Cat food.

Today has been a very good day.
It's being concluded with relaxing kitty time on the couch. We had a little treat before bed.

It's so funny that my cat is a picky eater. Most animals will jump at the chance for people food. I've tried salmon, chicken, turkey... But to no avail. She will walk away from it.
However.
When it comes to yogurt, she will begin to drool. Or she will lick the bowl clean if you let her. It's part of my morning routine that I enjoy the most - have breakfast with my kitty. Today I wasn't here for breakfast so she got a midnight snack of it instead. She looks quite satisfied.

I really hope I get some sleep tonight. I'm running on empty here. Hitting the hay early.

Life.

Oh no, Madi is in the bathtub again. She never knows how to get out. She just whines until you take her out yourself.
Goofy.

I finally feel better rested. It took until today. Considering I was DD on Friday, it ended up being a pretty interesting evening. It started with the Asian invasion at &co, which is definitely not my favourite scene but very popular among friends. Then randomly ended up at Ten and were escorted out by security after close because we wouldn't leave (and friends were fucking in the bathroom). Then had to convince a friend not to go home with the guy from the bathroom.

Woke up a few hours later and went to our bright-and-early Saturday staff meeting. I obviously wasn't hung over but was incredibly tired. It was the best / worst staff meeting because we were testing our new menu of 3 poutine, 4 burgers and 4 steaks. By 10am I felt so sick it was ridiculous. Definitely NOT what I wanted for breakfast. But I did get some steak to go which has proved to be good sandwich meat.

I did some recon when I got home about apartments, and went to check out a couple. I love the area but its so damn expensive. One of the places I went to was currently rented by a hoarder. A legit hoarder. You could hardly walk through the place without hitting something and the door to the balcony was completely blocked by piles of stuff taller than me. I really wish I took a photograph.
It was gross.

I wasn't tired enough to sleep before work since I had too many things on my mind and didn't eat because I was still too full. I made a ton of money, but there were a couple weird things that happened. Firstly, because it was UFC it brings in the worst crowd. However there were cops sitting outside jacks who asked to open the blinds and watch the fight from their patrol car, which was funny. Secondly, a full brawl unfolded right in front of me with about 10 idiotic dudes (including 4-5 jacks peeps because it involved a manager). It was pretty intense. Not the craziest thing I've seen during UFC though.

By the end of it, I was so tired that I went straight home and crashed. Best sleep I've had all week, but it was one of those sleeps that you're still super tired when you wake up. I had to wake up because I had an appt to see an apartment right by the water. It was actually really nice but I'm not willing to dish out that kind of money unless I was living with a significant other for a 1-bedroom. I'm still checking out a few places this week just to get an idea.

Today I am doing nothing. And I mean nothing. It's my first day off in what feels like forever and I am not going to stuff it full of things to do. I'm going to watch Game of Thrones and have a nap. Do some research and make dinner. Perhaps watch a movie and call it an early night. It sounds fucking fantastic.

I want to leave on an uplifting note. I read this on Facebook this morning and its so true. Think you should read it.

http://goinswriter.com/travel-young/

I may not work in travel full time anymore but ill always be happiest traveling or planning out my next trips.
Only 2 weeks until vacation! Finally. It's going to be an exhausting week and I'm so excited.

Zzz.

Such a long weekend. I'm so exhausted... So little sleep..
Can't wait for my day off tomorrow..

I want to sleep forever.

Balcony time.

I have a serious chill right now.
My own fault, of course.

However it was really nice having dinner on my balcony. I bundled up, and watched some Dexter while I ate. I'm ready for summer to be here so I can do it more frequently.
Earlier this week was the first time i had a meal on a patio. It was perfect because they had heaters on and I wasn't cold.

Summer is so much better.

I miss looking at the stars.

The stars will look different this year.

R-r-r-andom Rant.

It's been an interesting couple of days. I've had a hard time today deciding whether I am content with the present situation. On one hand, my car is officially paid off (yippee!), but on the other hand, I felt more emotional today than I have in a while and it's bothered me. It's amazing how something that is so great can leave you feeling so crappy. Plus it also doesn't help when something so natural is so wrong. I didn't realize that I missed companionship, but I guess I do a little. There is a certain element of comfort in catching up with your feet up drinking a beer with someone else.

I finally went grocery shopping. I figured eating pasta 4 nights in a row was a sign that I needed to shop. It was nice listening to Coldplay strolling the aisles for an hour and picking out things I would like to eat. I find something incredibly relaxing about grocery shopping. It's an act I only do a couple times a month, but it's enjoyable. Sometimes these types of acts are the highlights on my month. I look forward to waking up in the morning knowing that I will be starting the day by having a hearty breakfast. Further I have decided to cut out bread from my diet except for one meal a day (probably lunch since I love sandwiches). Maybe gluten is the reason I'm gaining weight.
Also, I've always thought it would be romantic to meet someone at a grocery store, "sorry miss you dropped your muff, I mean muffin". Then we would laugh and fall madly in love.
Just kidding about the end. Kind of.

This post was random but I just felt the need to write. I could go on about the blackout and feeling sick from sushi, but not right now. It's not as exciting as knowing about my diet and grocery shopping regiment. So I figured that took precedence.

Some things just don't change, good or bad. It's nice to have the reminder. Living in a world of "what ifs" and momentary sweetness is not how I want to spend my time.
My upper back is killing me.

Another one.

It's going to be one of those days.

Maybe I'll just live alone if these are my "potential" roommates.

I'm so bored at work I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I have no other trips planned to research.

It didn't help that i had a shit sleep last night. But further (!!) my stupid downstairs neighbour was BLASTING inner ninja on the radio at 830am. Luckily I had to be up anyways, but I could hear the traffic report through the floor, word for word. Sometimes I just don't understand people. Well, most of the time.

The highlight of my weekend was a dream I had. I was part of a huge orgy with 7 other girls and the cast of Workaholics. I had a very passionate affair with Blake. Random.

The not-so-highlight was getting a flat tire before work and dealing with a stupid cab driver that made me super late. I had an awkward moment when I tried to get into a car that I thought was a cab when it actually was a car that belonged to someone from my apartment building. He was really nice about it and offered to drive me anywhere I wanted. I immediately closed the door, he had a mischievous look on his face. And bad teeth. I have a hard time trusting someone with bad teeth.

Guess I should find something to do.

People say (and do) the darnedest things.

I feel like I should just rename this blog the title of this post because I deal with such stupid people on a daily basis.

Not sure if anyone remembers Mr. Impressive (actual email address name) from last summer when I was looking for a roommate, but if you need a reminder check out the picture below.

I recently posted a new ad for a roommate and a guy responded. I posted his email below as well. Does the arrogant comments about blow jobs and models seem similar to you?
Well colour me ginger, they are the same person almost a year later!! I burst out laughing when I compared the emails.

It's just been that type of week.

However today, I did get to have lunch at my favourite restaurant and have dinner outside on a patio. Further, I did get to wear a skirt all day without feeling cold. That's a bonus for me.

I've been pretty drama free lately and it's been lovely. But this week, holy cow, people are seriously angsty and bitchy. Surprisingly after everything that has happened this week and the bad news I have received, I'm just shaking my head and laughing.
What else can you do? You can't control people's reactions, but you sure as hell can control your own.

D-day Thursday.

They say you don't really see the true colours of a person you are dating until the honeymoon phase is over. I have come to the realization that you don't learn this until the relationship is over. You see the way they really are when there is no care anymore. When they don't owe you anything.
They can either take the high road and continue to be a normal human being, or they can be a complete asshole for the sake of it.

Sigh.
So this is what honesty gets you because you don't want to burn that bridge you built for a long time. Maybe nothing romantic but at least friendship. I guess boys act differently. Ego or whatever.


Tomorrow is d-day. My fate will soon be decided.
I can't believe tomorrow is already Thursday. I'm excited but also incredibly scared that this could be it. I feel so unprepared. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Day went from good to stressed.
The next few days will be very annoying.

I need a beer.
I need a bunch of beers.
Just so I can sleep the next couple days.

I liked my unstressed little bubble and now it's ruined.
I need some time alone to think.

Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.

649.

I bought a ticket for $55 million.
Paid 2$ and won 10$.

I feel lucky :)

But check your tickets, 4 people won the grand prize. I hope they deserve it.

Yellow Boogers.

I've been sick all weekend. It may have to do with the barometric pressure or the fact I drank quite a lot last week or maybe a bit of both. It's some type of virus judging by the snot coming out of my nose. I know, it sounds gross but snot is actually very informative about what type of sickness you have.

Clear - normal
Yellow - viral infection
Green - bacterial (more serious)

FYI.

I could go for someone coming taking care of me, or even just a nice back rub. But seeing that this won't happen since I don't want to make anyone sick, I slept in late and made myself some chocolate chip/raspberry/blueberry pancakes. I made a full batch so I have breakfast for tomorrow at FC. It's going to be weird being back, but at least I can book my trip for next month.

May is going to be a good month :) only a few weeks until Book of Mormon and then a holiday.

But for now, back to sleep until work.
My tamagotchi ( a word actually on my phone ) stays awake during the day... So demanding. He should be okay for a couple hours. He is actually sick too.

Lol I'm so lame.

Alien Encounters.

At work...

Woman comes up to me rather distressed...

Stupid woman: excuse me.
Me: yeah? ( me being polite )
Stupid woman: my son. He ate half of this stirfry and he has a SEVERE allergy to peanuts.
Me: oh my goodness, did he have a reaction?
Stupid woman: no it's not an automatic onset.
Me: ...
Me: you realize this plate is covered in diced peanuts.
Stupid woman: i didn't read the menu.
Me: ...
Stupid woman: he had a severe allergy though I need this remade so he doesn't have a reaction.
Me: ...
Me: ( thinking you are a fucktard parent ) sure.

Are you kidding me? Are people really that dumb?
The answer is yes. Yes they are.

People say and do the darnedest things!

&co crap.

I hate clubbing.
I think I said this a couple weeks ago. I'm referring to top 40 "grinding" music. I am so over it. Maybe I liked this in university and was okay with disgusting guys' grubby fingers on me, but now, not so much. Last night I only lasted an hour before wanting to leave. I went to a place called &co and it was not my cup of tea. I prefer electronic/ house/ dubstep music which I will enjoy next weekend.

Nonetheless it was okay.

The icing on my week was filing my taxes. A nice $3000 headed my way. By the end of the month I will be OSAP and car loan free.
It will be a wonderful feeling. Paying off $22,000 of debt in 2 years is pretty damn good I think. I will be celebrating the end of this month with a delicious steak and a lot of wine!

Or I'll start tomorrow at laser tag. I'm so excited to battle against children. I haven't been for a long time, my visit is overdue. Hopefully it will cover up the feeling of dread that I had to clean off my car this morning. Spring is not being very accommodating so far. I've already retired my winter clothing, did my spring cleaning... I don't want to catch a cold!! I will NOT wear my winter coat again.

I'm sleepy.. Think I'm going to call it an early night.

Even if it hurts.

It's been a pretty solid weekend.
It was great waking up this morning, making breakfast and relaxing at home with my cat. The weather has finally been spring-like, so I decided it was time for my first jog. I updated my jogging playlist and now it has some good tunes to help keep my pace. Unfortunately, it was incredibly windy so it was difficult to get going. I basically wanted to fall down within the first couple minutes. Luckily I didn't faint and was able to run 4km on my first go. No one is there if I faint, so I just kept running through the dizziness. Although I couldn't breathe by the time I was back at home, I felt good. I realized during my jog that my playing soccer growing up taught me a sense of ambition and dedication. I didn't appreciate this until today, when I found out that this is one of the reasons I "go big or go home" so to speak. Just keep running, even if it hurts. Just keep practicing, working, loving, even if it hurts.

I have a route now where I don't have to wait for any lights, and look forward to making it a daily routine. I have the next couple days off so it will help keep the consistency.

Maybe if I'm lucky, it will improve my sleep too. That would be really nice.

I'm starting to understand that men are the ones that need to be loved, where women on the other hand are pretty comfortable on their own, and just need to feel wanted. I don't really have a problem feeling wanted, so I guess I'm doing pretty good. I never understood this concept before, always going from relationship to relationship. The nympho and hopeless romantic in me always thought that physical contact was all I needed. Now something has changed. I have no interest getting back into a relationship, and only would welcome someone to keep me warm at night. But seeing that the temperature is on the rise and my cat already occupies the other side of my bed, I'm okay without that too.

People search for happiness. I search for contentment. I actually think I have found it.
It's a great feeling.

They say when things start going well in your life, something falls apart. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen.

Saturday Night.

Sometimes I feel weird spending a Friday or Saturday night at home alone, but I've been enjoying it more as of late.
Tonight I did the dishes, intense yoga, made yummy pizza, drank some wine from Niagara last weekend, and ate ice cream sandwiches and strawberries.
I'm going to have a bath, listen to some music and finish my book.

A surprise sexy time visit would be the cherry on my wonderful evening, but that may be pushing it. Ill probably settle for emotionally retarded Dexter and idiotic "workaholics".

BJ fan.

Lets go Blueeeee Jayyyyys.

First Jays game in years. Don't really care much for baseball, but I enjoy drinking beer. And let's face it, that's the reason most people go. I just wish I could smuggle in some beer so I don't have to pay $13.
Oh well I always enjoy a night out on the town. Haven't been downtown for a while. For the games I have gone to, we have always ended up at Hooters. Ah, good times.

Hopefully it's more enjoyable than Tuesdays game. Boringgggg.

New show.

I've been watching quite a few downer shows, entertaining but serious. I needed a perk me up.
I was introduced to a new show lately, and it's super awkward. My type of show.
It's called Workaholics.

I recommend it to anyone who wants to waste their life away, laughing.
Some guys are idiots, and entertain me.

Life is great when I can do whatever I want all day long. My biggest debate is whether I feel like being productive or not.

Nympho lows.

Once again someone comments on my figure. He says " do you lift weights? I can tell if a girl lifts weights."
I silently ask in my head "if you could tell, why ask?" I answer no.
Apparently this means in guy world I have a "smokin body".
I say this as I am eating chocolate and drinking wine at home.
I guess I should be happy with having good genetics.

It reminds me that I need to start jogging again now that the weather is nicer. Maybe it will help my sleeping habits.. I have been sleeping okay the last couple nights considering I can only sleep on one side.
Or maybe, if I'm lucky, it will help my sex drive. I've gone from nympho highs to nympho lows over the past few months. I've never experienced a time where ive been as disinterested in sex as much as I am now. I wonder how long it will last. I prefer nympho highs, but I also like how my life isn't revolving around sex.

Ugh I sound like such a girl.

Now I'm ranting.

Anyways walking dead was disappointing as was the entire season. Game of thrones looks promising though.

New tattoo.

I'm so excited! Finally found someone to do my tattoo. It turned out really well considering the small area.
I wanted to do something for me, so I went by myself. Not only was it a relaxing pain this time, it was nice to do it alone. No fainting, hardly any pain and excitement. It was a good end to a fun weekend.
I definitely needed that.
Hopefully the ringing in my ear doesn't last too long.

Insomnia.

I can't sleep and it's getting annoying. The last couple nights have been difficult. Not sure what it is caused from, but I'm really tired. I can't get comfortable, I'm overheating, my throat is itchy and I'm having weird dreams. Doesn't help that there is construction outside my window every morning.

I wish I could remember the last time I had a really amazing sleep. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in a cat free zone. Maybe I wouldn't look so tired all the time.

This post isn't really important, just want to put it out in the universe so that maybe it will change.

Now that I think about it, tonight I am sneezing and sniffling a lot. I think I'm having an allergic reaction to something in my room.
Great... As long as I'm not getting sick, I'm okay. I was looking forward to my weekend off.

Alert!

Hmm, I'm not one who enjoys being smothered. I'm a little worried.
More updates tomorrow, but hopefully not.
What ever happened to simple?

Micro scrubbers.

You know they say that you should listen to your body? It will tell you what's wrong?
Well, I was thinking about it today and realized that my body is doing just that, but in a positive light.

Let me explain.

My skin is the clearest it has been in as long as I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I never had intensely problematic skin but it was not perfect. I had a use for cover up. I realize this was part genetic, but also very stress based. Some of the times my skin was at its worst was when I was unhappy.
Now, I'm not sure if I am less stressed, or maybe my body is trying to tell me something but my skin is basically flawless.
A metaphor. I do love my metaphors.

A clear mind, clear skin.
Clear skin, clear life and purpose.

May sound silly, but it gives me hope. Hope of a better tomorrow. Also, helps me not worry about the things that are not in my control.

Ringing.

It's been an interesting and eventful weekend. For those religious folk out there, it's Palm Sunday ( whatever that means ).
However, I ended up at Uniun night club. With Vanilla Ice.
Lol.
I can't remember the last time I was at a club dancing until my makeup was gone. It was quite fun acting like a retard to electronic and dub step. I do admit I felt a little out of place at first, but knowing promotional guys who hook you up with free drinks gets you comfortable pretty fast.
I haven't danced like that for a while. I usually care what people think when I'm dancing, but tonight, I didn't give a shit. I enjoyed myself. There is a certain appreciation I have for that type of music- it's not something you dance with people, you dance like a crazy person alone.

Only downside, the ringing in your ears when you're trying to sleep after.
Blows.

Oh, and waking up early on a Monday to go to work? Doesn't happen in my life anymore.... Oh the life of a server. How fun and irresponsible. Who needs to grow up when you have money and adventures?

Pow.

Some mediocre evenings turn into great nights.

I've been pretty down all week, but sometimes it's just temporary. I realized that I shouldn't be focused on the past, and enjoy my time in the present where people do want to spend time with me. I actually have a good time making other laugh from my stupidity and sharing insight on life. People sharing their secrets. I think people actually listen and trust me. Maybe it's just me. But I would like to think that it's true.

I actually was crying- laughing today for the first time in a long while, and did make someone wear a penis on their forehead.

Doesn't hurt that girls keep asking me if I work out.. Apparently I have an above average figure. That's pretty complimentary. It must be the white jeans and red lipstick, they does make me feel pretty awesome.
Also, free drinks = positive.
Learning to drink more quantity of beer = positive.

And no, for the record, when you hit on someone, it is not nice to start with "you remind me a lot of my FIRST wife..." ( did make me laugh though).

Sometimes you just need to open your eyes and move forward. Remember the memories, love what it was and move on.

Thursday.

It is now Thursday.
The beginning of spring has come and passed.

I had a wonderful weekend, saw some people I hadn't seen in a while and also had a lot of fun.

However, something happened on Sunday. It's nothing I can attribute to a certain event, but ever since then I have crumbled. The spark that was alive for the weekend and weekend only, has now completely burnt out.
Other than working when I have to, I have not left my house. I have not conversed with anyone except when I have no choice at work. I have not texted, called, messaged, or seen anyone all week. My days have been made up of 15-20 hours of sleep (lesser scale when I'm working) and I only get out of bed because I feel like I have to eat or pee. I know after this post, there will be a couple people that will take this as a cry for help and reach out to me. But I sincerely hope they don't.
I was told last night at work that I need to be more vocal and "cheekily playful". A phrase that many people would have called me before. However, the unemotional person has completely transformed into the disconnected person, filled with negative thoughts and lack of hope for the future.
What is the point of living a dull, painful existence? I look at pictures of myself on my wall and think back to when I was younger, optimistic and life-loving. I want to rip them off the walls, not for the first time. I keep buying myself lavish things in hope that they will make me feel better, but of course, they have not.

I think the scariest part about being like this is the realization that if anything happened to me this week, no one would've even noticed. What a bleak existence. Who should live in a world where no one cares? Who should live in a world where they don't care about themselves or others?

Sure, I should probably talk to someone, anyone about how I'm feeling. But I don't care about others so why expect them to care about me? That's just ridiculous. Oh oh oh, maybe ill just pay someone to care. Maybe that will help.
Nope, not interested.

What are you supposed to do without family or friends, direction or compassion?
When do you just roll over and give up?

Hilarious.

Lol.
Sitting in Guelph.
Laughing.

Look up John Mulaney stand up. What's new pussycat.
You'll understand. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I want to marry him <3

Winter winds.

"And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no"..


People say that the new year is the ideal time for change. But for me, however, winter is the end of something - spring is the beginning.
Throughout my negativity, anger, distain and feeling discombobulated, I still have hope. That's all I have.

Kid President.

Just in case you haven't seen this, it's worth a watch. It even made me smile.
Kids are much smarter than adults.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?sns=fb&v=l-gQLqv9f4o&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dl-gQLqv9f4o%26sns%3Dfb

Words.

Disconnected.
Cynical.
Unresponsive.
Absent.
Unemotional.
Inconsiderate.
Blunt.
Rude.
Careless.

The list could go on.

These are all words that I define myself and would bet others would use as well.
I am completely burnt out emotionally and have no ability to care for anyone else at the moment. It's written all over my face and seen through my body language.
After the emotional beating I've had over the past while, it's hard to wrap my head around giving any type of shit for anyone. My motivation and interest in anyone is basically nil.

So I guess this is an apology to anyone that tries. Tries to be friendly, sympathetic, or kind to me. I honestly think it is ridiculous and will probably be thinking you're an idiot. It is a waste of time and breath, and you cannot help.

Thank you, but no. Please invest your time in someone that will be slightly responsive and who cares. You will not find that here.

Compassion is down the drain.

5.

It's going to seriously suck going back to work tomorrow. It's been quite lovely having almost a week off.

My time off has given me the opportunity to start a new show that I am watching religiously ( ironic ).
Sons of Anarchy.
It starts off a little slow but still makes you want to watch more because of all the hidden agendas and thickening plots. Plus, I've heard that it keeps getting better and better as the seasons go on. Further, it doesn't hurt that Charlie Hunnam is oddly attractive. Not sure what it is about blondes that makes me swoon.

I've had sex dreams for the past few nights so hopefully tonight is no exception!
Guess I should hit the hay.

5.

Back "home".

Not glad to be back, but that's the way it goes I guess. Was tearing up a bit on the way from the harsh realization that the only thing waiting for me or what I was looking forward to, was Madi. Toronto doesn't hold much for me anymore. I didn't see the point in coming back. Notice I'm not referring to Toronto as home.

However I do smell like I've been doused in cologne - a lasting remembrance of the trip and feeling satisfied overall.

Ill be writing the details soon, just too tired to start tonight.

eBay.

Oops. I shouldn't be allowed on eBay. I always shop for things I don't really need. I did only buy a bathing suit ( could be nice, maybe not... Could fit, maybe not ). However I did find my next purchase. Maybe I'll go check them out tomorrow, they are super hot. I want them really badly. A little expensive but I have some cash to burn :) 

Proposition.

Today ( I hope ) was the start of my vacation time. It was relaxing minus the constant stress of weather the two days before my flight.

I had an interesting business offer tonight that I have been contemplating for the past few hours. Don't they say that when things seem too good to be true, they usually are? Ill have time to think about it on my trip, especially since the weather looks pretty crap. I'm glad I didn't spend too much on this trip. At the very least, I have a potential business client for FC who travels all the time.

Whenever the wind is this heavy, I wish I had a cuddle buddy. It sounds like something keeps smashing against my window. Tonight I will leave my phone on in case someone else feels the same.

I probably won't write before I leave unless it is cancelled. In that case I will be writing a strongly worded post about how I hate everything. Otherwise I'll write about it on my return.

Fingers crossed that everything will work out. I would really love to see the sun, feel its heat and listen to the waves.

Preparation.

Okay so I'm leaving in 3 days. I'm getting excited and it's making these work days easier to get through.
I'm starting to get ready for it.
First thing that needed to be done:
Pedicure.

Check.

My feet look much more kissable than before. They were looking a little sad.
It's going to be absolutely amazing wearing flip flops again. Plus you get a massage while you sit. My body is happy.

Hopefully I have time to get everything done. I really don't have much time when I'm not working. However if its meant to be, today will be my last day at jacks for a week!! Yippee!!

I even got a pita for lunch today. I have been craving one for weeks. It's been a good day.

3.

Who said you can't start drinking at 3am? Not me.
Down the hatch!

It's been an interesting evening.

3.

I am the Great White Buffalo.

Apparently.

I never took myself to be a buffalo, but in this case I guess it's complimentary?

Anxiety.

What are you supposed to do when you have a problem that only one person can help you with? What are you supposed to do when this person wants nothing to do with you anymore?
You lie in bed where your thoughts get darker and darker, yet there is no way of making it go away.

I keep asking myself whether this small thing is worth the anxiety. I have no one to talk to because they don't know me well enough to understand, nor do I care to tell them. My inner turmoil is so great that I don't know what to do or where to go. If the situation plays out the way it does in my head, the consequences could be monumental or even repetitive.

I wonder who would be on my side.

I need to think about something else because I go crazy with built up aggression and frustration.

Definitely a vodka and chocolates kind of evening.
I'm reminded why I don't give myself too much time alone.

Squats.

Ow.
It hurts.

I decided this weekend that I wanted to start doing squats. A bigger butt and legs never hurt anyone and I would like to get in better shape this year.

But damn, it burns.

They say start with 3 reps of 15-20, but of course I read this after I had done 2 reps of 50. I would really like to tone up a bit before I go away in 3.5 weeks. Squats are also good for your upper abs if you have the right posture, so it hurts to sit up in bed right now.

I also (finally) went and bought a yoga mat and a few DVDs so I can do yoga at home every day. It's actually quite nice doing yoga during the day - it's just going to be tough over the next couples weeks when I'm at FC. With these 2 exercises I think it will help my cardio, flexibility, circulation (no more frigid hands) and slightly aggressive side. Plus my apartment is perfect for it. This will all be a good warm up to my jogging routine that will start once the weather gets nicer. I don't want to catch a cold. Bonus: the new guy from work has a hook up at lulu lemon and can get me 50% off. Awesomeeeee.

Today was a great day off- I feel like I got to accomplish a few things but also had time to relax. I was even up earlier than usual.
Tomorrow I am back to work, and checking out Winterlicious in the evening. I haven't been this year and am craving a steak or prime rib. Apparently Canyon Creek has an amazing prime rib sandwich that I must try, especially since I get 25% off woot! Between my 2 jobs I get discounts on 2 of my favourite things, food and travel, I'm quite lucky.

Guess I shall go to sleep. Hoping that yoga and exercise helps me sleep a little bit better, I'm quite tired of waking up so often in the night. Plus I've been dreaming badly - last night I had a "paranormal activity" dream and didn't want to open my eyes since I thought a little girl was watching me sleep. Shutter.

Fingers crossed I will have good dreams, I like those a lot better.

Last thing, if you want to watch a cool cover video, look up Walk off the Earths cover of Trouble by Taylor Swift.

24/7.

I wish my body enabled me to work 24/7, so I didn't have to think about things and feel. I'm fine when I'm at work, but reminded when I'm not.
I guess I need to start working more than 50 hours because its still not distracting enough.
I want to run.
Why does it have to be so hard?

Purge.

Who is this?
Ugh, creepy person.
Definitely never speaking to again.
We were never even friends.
I never noticed this person before.


These were some of my mental responses to the people I had on my Facebook account. I decided that I was tired of reading about people I did not care about, so did a huge purge - a 300 person purge. Meanwhile, I could have purged at least another 50-100 but left them on for now. These people were either from high school in Calgary, high school in Oakville, elementary school (come on), and university people I was friends with when I went out every night or worked with.

I basically asked myself "if I was walking down the street, would I stop to have a conversation with this person or avoid eye contact". My response was usually the latter of the two.

I have been reading about the research done on Facebook and how if you are an avid Facebook looker, you have higher chance of having depression and anxiety. You see other people having a great ol' time or moving through life at a different pace and it can be depressing. I get it. So I figured if there are way less people on my account, there will be less updates- this leading to me being on Facebook even less than I am now and happy happy happy! Okay, maybe not. But I still feel better about it.

I recommend this to anyone with more than 500 "friends". No one has 500 real friends, or at least I sure don't. You may ask "why don't you just delete Facebook"? The answer is simple, it was made for networking, and I would still like to keep in contact with these people. Maybe they are not people that I am best buds with, but they are people I could message or go for coffee with.

Anyways. I guess I should get back to work. It's been pretty lax and I have been training a new guy at the shop. He is a little strange and asked me to take photos of him without his shirt on (in the most platonic way possible) but it was still weird after only knowing him for 2 days. We all think he may be gay. Oh, and he calls me "Kat" like "cat (meow)" and I hate it, but don't have the heart to tell him to piss off. Nicknames after 2 days? Definitely gay.

Yes, he has a long term girlfriend. Go figure.

Geez, and now it's blue sky?! Are you kidding me. OF COURSE it was a blizzard with 5 accidents on the way this morning.

Sushi.

I got to go to my favourite sushi place last night for the first time in a while. Many people ask what it's called, but I consider it a gem when it comes to interactive dining. If you would like to know, then I will be going with you. Otherwise it is a secret only few know.
It even attracted famous people there last night so I knew I was dining at a cool place that offers valet parking.

The weather makes me feel like I am living in British Columbia with warm temperatures and rain. I actually didn't mind getting caught in the rain last night, it just made it more eventful.

It was another evening with a surprise at the end, one that truly surprised. I never thought of this for something to do, but it was fun, competitive, glowed in the dark, and offered drinks! I never thought of ping pong as a trendy activity or a place to meet a mate, however I found out that it is both of these things (not that i went there for either of these reasons). I'm actually not that bad at it either.

All in all, it was a good night. I even bought some legit cowboy boots for myself. It's quite nice being back in the city because there are so many things to do! I half wished I lived in the city, but when I'm not in the city, I'm glad I live where I do.

I guess because I was relaxed last night and having good ol' fashioned fun, I slept like a baby for the first time in a couple weeks. I look forward to relaxing at home tonight and going to sleep early.

Life is simple and good.

Home Time.

Today has been annoying, basically starting as soon as I walked out the door this morning. Terrible driving conditions, milk spilt all over my clothes and lunch, more botched travel plans, chill that lasted until 830pm, then almost being stood up.
Needless to say I was a little on edge.

However, playing on playgrounds at night and snowball fights did make up for it.

Plus I got to come home to this:
My frown got turned upside down.
Stink eye always makes me smile.

High maintenance.

A month ago I decided that I wasn't going to be one to let people hold me back this year, that I would do what I wanted when I wanted to do it.
However it seems that whenever I think of incorporating someone else in my plans things do not work out. I'm not sure if I am one just to do things differently, or if I'm just meant to do things alone. I have had numerous plans that have fallen through already.
I'm not sure what to do, except plan things out alone. That way people don't disappoint me and I don't need to reminded that I live life a little more carelessly than most.
Maybe I just hang out with the wrong people.

Tobogganing was fun even though it was freezing. It's one of the few winter activities I actually enjoy. I was acting like a little girl again.

Making decisions.

I'm feeling a little low tonight. There are some memories and situations you cannot erase in life. They seem to present themselves from time to time as a reminder of errors and lapses in judgement, and of course a different time and place in life.
I don't usually think about these things on a daily basis- perhaps I'm trying to be ignorant to my own decisions. But when I do think of them, I really question who I was and what I was doing when I made these decisions.
Do you ever really know when you've made the right decision?
I'm having a hard time with this question. Especially when I am still conflicted after the amount of time that has passed.
Not sure what to do.

Barf. Shit. Gag.

I love (great) sex, don't get me wrong. Everyone that knows me knows that. However, I really hate hearing people do it. My roommates boyfriend has basically moved in (without letting me know) and I'm tired of hearing their (pathetic) 2 minute sex sessions through my wall. Seriously? I'm rarely home. You have the place to yourself almost all the time. Why is it that the second I go in my room, I have to hear it? I'm rather tempted to hook up my stereo to my computer and watch disgusting videos of shitting, barfing and gagging at the top volume while they do it so they get the hint. Hey, it may help him get some stamina.
Not sure if that's the bitchy thing to do, or if it would be ridiculously funny.

I just want to have a nap in peace.

I'm living alone next time.

Date.

Tomorrow will be a day to test myself. I wish the emotional scars of the past year did not run so deep. Unfortunately most scars stay visible for a very long time, if not forever. I have been happier lately - my confidence is slowly on the rise with a new haircut and clothes, but I still have some weaker days when I want to go back. Back to a time when I was happy being in love. I'm not referring to any time in particular or with anyone. Just the feeling of being in love, the honeymoon phase when all you need is them.
Tomorrow is the first night where someone has planned it all out as a surprise in a very long time. A first date. I feel excited and giddy, however it also makes me sad that the past will continue to become more hidden away. Those specific memories will lapse and not matter. I'm still battling if I am even ready to bury the times I still hold so close to my heart. I have consumed myself with these memories over the last week, all the times that were oh so different, I was in control. Only a couple more days this week of being back in my favourite area, which holds so many thoughts and feelings. I will have to let go.
At the end of the month when I am finished working, I will have some wings at Duffs, and finally say goodbye to everything that was, and never will be.

Relaxation. With a hint of annoyance.

Definitely going to sleep in, watch movies and do absolutely nothing tomorrow on my day off. Then get to do it all over again next week working downtown.

I think the world is mocking me, I have heard way too many people having sex over the past few days. Are you trying to rub it in, world? Because its working. I really hope I don't sound as awful as the people I have heard. :s walking down my hall? Really? It's been a long day. I'm so happy ( and jealous ) you are having sex on the kitchen table right by the door, but I don't need to hear the "sexy talk" as well - it grosses me out.

I was going to take an audio video of it because it was SO loud, but thought the was creepy and didn't want it on my phone if it wasn't me doing it.

Friday night.

Today has been a crap day. I didn't want to wake up so I was an hour late for work, I slept on my break and went straight to bed when I got home.
It's one of those days that I wish I could disappear. I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that I stop wanting things that I can't have.
I wish I had someone crazy about me to get my mind off of this.

Nervous.

I just completed the package for my application to school and I am super nervous. I had done half of it on the weekend, but today I had to finish references and CV. I must admit I do look pretty good on paper however I'm not as confident as I was last time I applied.
Life never seems to slow down for a moment, it goes quicker. After I got that email yesterday, it reminded me that my future is coming if I'm ready for it or not. After tomorrow, it will become a waiting-and-hoping-for-the-best kind of situation. Then after next week, it may change my life completely. I'm reaching pretty high but I'm still going to try.

As Dorie says, just keep swimming.

On a different note, it's weird being back at work. And a little déjà vu back to when I worked at a cafe and lived downtown. It's kind of nice being off my feet too, my back is starting to cause me pain again. Fingers crossed I don't get any tickets!

I don't have anything to complain about right now. Life is on the up.

:)

What a wonderful day.
Couldn't have asked for more.
Going to sleep happy, and I get to work in my favourite area for the next 3 days.
Ill write about it tomorrow while I'm procrastinating at work.

Urg.

Not being able to sleep has become a normal routine as of late, but it doesn't mean it's not annoying. I hate being wide awake, especially going into my first day off in what feels likes forever.
I don't really have anything weighing on my conscious, so I'm not sure what the deal is. Maybe it's because I didn't get out of bed until 4pm yesterday.
Eh, who knows. I would just like to get some sleep so I'm not exhausted tomorrow. Should be a good day.

Maybe I'll try to sleep in a position to have sexy dreams. That would make my sleeps much more enjoyable. At least dreaming me would have some sexy time.
Or maybe I'll hug a pillow.

Shh.

This week's postsecret was good to read.

www.postsecret.com

A spoonful of perspective a week.

Italy and Beyond.

Watching Under the Tuscan Sun always makes me cry. Not because it is sad, but because it moves me. For those who haven't seen it, it's based in Tuscany and the landscapes are absolutely beautiful.

The reason why I love this movie goes beyond the landscapes and country I so desperately want to see, it reminds me how you can change your life anytime you want. New beginnings.

A couple of my favourite quotes from the movie:

"I think you're in danger of never recovering.
You know when you come across one of those empty-shell people, and think 'what the hell happened to you'?
Well there came a time in each one of their lives where they were at a crossroads.
Someplace where they had to decide to turn left or right.
This is no time to be a chickenshit."

Life goes on.
Life never has to be different than what you want it to be. Take a chance.

"You're so boring! What? I said you're boring. Look at you. You're sad! Again! You're like a big black hole.
Fefe said 'regrets are a waste of time. They're past crippling you in the present'.
How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing?
Listen, when I was a little girl, I would spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I would just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."

Be patient, good things come to those who wait.

I really need to get away... And maybe I'll just watch this everyday until I do it.
Or maybe I'll do what I did a couple years ago and start looking at villas online again. Now that would be a dream come true.

Forever 21.

I walked through Forever 21 today and was reminded of the last time I was in that store. It was in Time Square and I was definitely acting like a 21-year-old and being a little rebellious.
Today I felt a little awkward. Instead of the rebellious youngen I was then, I realized how different things are, less than a year later.
I guess it will remain in my memory.
I hope to get back to my younger mentality soon. This is a little depressing.

On a separate note, I wish I could marry Timothy Olyphant, just so I can have his last name.

Delivery.

Even though I worked all weekend, it was quite eventful nonetheless.
But I have thoroughly enjoyed my day off lounging in front of my new tv. It's the relaxation I needed.
It's amazing how quickly some things can change, whether you want them to or not.

2012 was definitely not the greatest, and probably closer to the worst. My only New Years resolution is that I get control of my life- buy the things I want, do the things I want, go where I want- it doesn't take much for me to be happy. We shall see what happens.