M&M good.

This past weekend was the best/scariest/craziest/fun/sleep deprived weekend I have had since university, or maybe ever. I've been trying to think of a time that comes close to what I experienced, but I am drawing a blank.

A close friend told me recently that I've changed. Changed for better or for worse, I'm not sure yet. However, I'm starting to realize that it's probably true. I've come into a phase where I just want to have a good time and live in love. I've been doing some stuff that I would never have thought I would do, and absolutely loving it. For example, I had my first near death experience this weekend. It lasted 2 minutes, and was the scariest experience of my life. However, when it was all said and done, I was glad it happened. A little perspective never hurt anyone... (this isn't true, I thought I was going to die). BUT I came out in one piece and continued to enjoy myself until 6am. My recovery from this weekend has gone into day 2, and last night, I had the best sleep I've had in a very, very long time. This is probably a result of my body and mind in complete exhaustion.

After seeing photos from the last couple months, I'm amazed. My life has changed, but only socially. Being myself comes naturally around people, I'm not worried about whether they like me anymore. I have more girl friends than guy friends, and have fallen for a guy who calls me out on my shit and enjoys the same lifestyle that I have. I'm learning to trust people because I put myself in situations that I couldn't handle alone. I take care of people and they take care of me. I have no problem telling people that I love them, I am super playful at work, and actually hug people. There are still times when I need a good cry, but not from being sad (unless I have a moment of weakness, but this is becoming less and less frequent - like never). It's just from actually being able to express my emotions with people, and sharing things I've been ashamed of before. I am finally comfortable with my life and what it means. I have no idea how long this phase is going to last, but I walk around with a smile on my face 95% of the time. The other 5% makes me sad and is from watching Greys or the finale of Breaking Bad or Dexter.

I'm just glad that I haven't settled for a life that I "should" have. I have a life that most people couldn't handle, and until recently, I didn't think I was one of those people either. Life has lead me away from the thought that a intimate relationship is all I need in life. I have been happy without intimacy for the first time in my life, and couldn't live without my friends. I enjoy company, but also thoroughly enjoy spending time alone with my cat.

I guess I am just revelling in my single life with my single friends, not just getting laid because I "need" the intimacy. I have been the most honest I have ever been with people around me, and the most loyal.

I have always told people that sometimes you just need to expect the unexpected and roll with the punches. Everything is on its way up, and I couldn't be happier.
This time last year I quit my job because I needed a change. To some, I went backwards in my career path. But overall, I have come out on top and am finally moving forward. Once you get rid of all the people in your life that bring you down, and only surround yourself with people that motivate you, respect you and love you, this is when you can be whoever you are meant to be, and make whatever you want happen.

Life is fucking wonderful.
Only 19 days until my holiday.

Being an adrenaline junkie may be the death of me but I'm ready for the next adventure.

Friday

This just went from fucked to fucked up. 

I loved Fridays. 

About to get down and dirty. 

Yup.

Yup, went out of my way to sabotage something good.

Well done Katy.... Same dance different partner. 

Running.

I have written on at least one occasion about signs. 

The last couple days have been enlightening. I guess that comes with the territory of cutting yourself off from the world and staying in a log cabin in the woods alone. A few people were .. Surprised? I guess that I was doing it. I think they may have been slightly intimidated by my independence or jealous that I take off and do what I want when I want to. 

It was a little strange for me, I had never done that before. But it was nice relaxing and writing without the distractions of the city. 

I had a rough sleep after a rough conversation. It's refreshing when someone calls me out on my thoughts since they are so jumbled sometimes, however it still makes me uneasy. 

I woke up today and needed some fresh air. I made some tea, chatted with a neighbour and sat by the water for a little while. It didn't take long before I started to skip rocks, since they were everywhere. I picked up a perfectly flat rock and did a double take. 

I have only found a few heart shaped rocks in my lifetime. I have given two to two people I thought I cared about. But they were imperfect in their shape, which makes sense why the relationships didn't work out and why they were the more unhealthy relationships I've been in.

This time, I have it saved for someone special. The timing is a little ironic, but it's almost perfect. It's funny when the exact thing I need is staring me in the face, and I am running in the opposite direction. By next week I should figure out whether I'm willing to go the distance or to fuck it up because I'm scared or unsure. 

All signs point to one thing. 

Another sign... Got a speeding ticket on my way home for going 35km/h over the limit. My "lucky" number. Maybe it's a sign to slow down a bit. 

This time he let me off easy, dropped it to 15km/h over with no points. 

Oops. Didn't care this time. Guess I knew I deserved it. 

It's been a great weekend. 😐

Guu.

Oh boy.

That was fun. 

Guu Restaurant.

Try it. 

Worth the hour wait. 

Eat jellyfish. 

Sometimes I think everyone should have my life. It's pretty great. 

So tired... Could sleep forever.. 

Just have to get through work tomorrow, and then up north for a few days of writing and absolutely no distractions. 

* can't wait * 

At least I don't feel as rough as last Friday!! That was brutal. Sometimes hanging out with certain people make you want to hang out with other people even more. 

I hate that.   

Could totally go for a late night cuddle. Even if it makes me late for work. 

*happy*

Oh fuck.

Flights booked!! One month.

Counting down the days to vacation. 

*so excited*

Why is my room soooooo cold? Gah!! Did have my first solid sleep in a long time last night. 

September .

My favorite part about September, well maybe second after the changing of the leaves, is the tv shows back on. 

Breaking bad - epic

New girl - glad to be back 

Sons of Anarchy - so great 

More to come. Excited. 

Cold and Irritated.

I'm realizing arguments with someone you're in a relationship with, and someone you're not in a relationship with are one in the same. They both leave you feeling pretty shitty. If there are no compromises made and things are circular, then I would prefer to not speak at all. 

This is good practice though so I don't do the same mistakes again. Taking a deep breath, cuddling with my kitty and going to sleep. 

I will feel better tomorrow. 

Side note: they better put the heat on in my apartment soon or I will have to hire a permanent cuddle furnace so I don't get pneumonia. I've heard they run pretty expensive. 

I want.

Soooo over the last couple months, I have fallen in love. It's a little ridiculous and hilarious, but he inspires me. 

I'm talking about Jody from the Amazing Race Canada. I am honestly incredibly butthurt that he has two children. 

Nonetheless his story truly is inspiring. 

If you want to know why, he's a fucking bad ass. 

Anyone who gets their legs blown off in war, runs 23000km in prothetic legs and wins second place in a contest is pretty sexy. 

A good quote from "The Croods" movie is "there is a difference between living and not dying". 

My weekend was very interesting.. I have definitely lost the filter I once had, and really don't think before I say or do things. 

Life is great. 

Drake. 

Interesting.

Come find me . 

Boredom.

Everyone handles their boredom in different ways - some eat, drink, play games, watch movies, jerk off.. The list goes on. 

For me, I still do all of the above things, but on this Thursday night, I dyed my hair. Nothing too crazy, just a more "fall" colour. Right now, it almost looks black but I know it will fade in the next couple days. I want to look nice for the weekend of sexy shenanigans. 

Last weekend included 4am TIFF parties with unlimited bottle service, still drunk at work and watching Deadmau5 live at Cabana. 

I have a feeling that this weekend will be round two for all of the above. Last weekend of Cabana, love that place. 

I just need to get one decent sleep. Just one. Unfortunately I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I have no idea how you have come back into my thoughts. Didn't think that was going to happen, but it did. 

Good Ol' Days.

I forgot how miserable F***** C***** makes me. I've only been back for 3 days in the 3 months, and I want to kill myself. The job is sooo stressful, but boring at the same time.
Maybe because I get stuck with all of the bitch work and compliants. Oh, and no one does work according to the head office way (the way I do it) so I'm always confused on what to do and ask myself WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SO LAZY?

The only two perks of this job now are planning out my own trips for cheaper, and also to be able to hang out in my favorite areas.

Otherwise, I am literally counting down the minutes until 6:00pm.
46.
Stopping at LCBO and buying vodka.

Fall Shopping.

Sooooo, I have said this before, and I will say it again.
eBay is the devil, but so amazing at the same time.

I just bought 14 items of new fall clothing on eBay for $150.00
I've been waiting for these Lucky jeans that are sooooooo soft to go on sale for probably 5 months, and ALMOST bought them on their website today. HOWEVER, I went on eBay and found the exact same pair for $75.00 less. $75.00!!! That's a lot of money I could put towards other things... such as other items of clothing.
I totally did that.
Thank goodness for China for supplying super cheap and cute clothing and not charging shipping. I cant be sure if i got the sizing right though...

Finished all my fall shopping in an hour, and I only need some new leather boots and maybe a new leather jacket.
I'm impressed.

I may not like cool temperatures (today is a terrible example, ugh), but I do love fall clothing.

Going to sleep content, but feeling a little guilty that I used my credit card for the first time in a month. Sometimes you just gotta spoil yourself <--- be="" life="" motto.="" my="" p="" should="">Oh well.

Poof.

It's been a very entertaining weekend. I had a lot of fun with some old and new people. Back to the grind tomorrow, but I'm okay with that. I dont mind the distraction.

I was thinking..

Everyone has their literal age, but then there's your inner age. I'm starting to realize that my inner age is probably 2-3 years below my actual age. But I'm having more fun than when I was 2-3 years younger. At the time, I had the mentality that I wanted something stable, and now I have gone backwards - I don't want a relationship. I guess that happens once you get older, you try to get back time you may have wasted doing things you thought you wanted, but in retrospect, doing them for the wrong reasons. 

I have been told today that I "have a great life", twice. So I guess I'm doing something right, because I have no complaints. 

Tomorrow may be different, who knows. I flip on a dime. But for the past few days, I've been feeling pretty good. 

Going to sleep not worried about the future. 

Fuck me.

So tired.

Have to work in 6 hours.  

Fml.

Good night. Worst wingman.

Want to sleep for eternity... With cuddles from you. 

I mean, it could be worse . 

Disturbance.

Well that was a little fucked up.. 

I'll write more later. 

Story of my Life.

Sabotage.

I look at my wall and think I believe in it more than anything. 

But then I look at my actions of sabotage and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? 

I guess I don't want to bring anyone down with me while I sink straight for the bottom. Even if I miss out on the possibility of being happy. 

Isn't that the whole point of all this? I have had days of happiness I have not had in a long time, and I legitimately pushed someone so far away from me on purpose. 

Someone once beat me with the idea that temporary fixes don't work, and maybe I'm realizing they were right. Especially when those temporary fixes think the world of you and you think the same. Might as well get rid of them before the crazy comes out... and become not so temporary. 

Talk about long weekend. I haven't been so excited to go back to work in... Ever. I need that healthy distraction now. 

Love - 0

Katy - 1