FUCKING Hell.

Fuck fuck fucking fuckkkkkkk. I have been told numerous times that I have a potty mouth, but I have found that it has gotten worse over the last few months. I am increasingly more irritated, short-fused, upset, mad, impatient... Any synonym you can think of that defines unhappy.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck did I do to deserve such garbage? Yes, I have not been the e best person in the world, but I try really fucking hard to be caring, loving, trusting, thoughtful, forgiving.... And any other synonym that defines a great girlfriend.
I have come down to the conclusion to never follow my heart. It is always wrong! Illogical! Fucking WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My stomach has been doing bellyflops yesterday morning and today, I'm pretty sure it is my gut saying "throw out what makes you sick".
I will always deserve better than crying everyday. You know what? I have even been tempted lately to start smoking. Me. Ms. I've-never-smoked-a-cigarette. I'm starting to feel the weight and of course, my skin is starting to show it too. Too bad I'm not that weak, but I am going a little fucking insane.

Madi.

My cat always seems to know when I am upset. It is during this time that she decides to snuggle up close to me, an act she does not do otherwise. I think she is the only living creature that loves me and much as I love them. Madi may not be able to speak english, but sure speaks her mind all the time. Whenever I speak fake-meow to her, she always replies. I think this is her way of saying she loves me. This is an odd sense of security, but I like it.

Written in the Stars.

In the car, I was listening to the song "Written in the Stars" by Tinie Tempah, but wasn't really listening to the lyrics at all. I went off into my own little world and started to think of whether I believe in this idea. I would like to think that I am responsible for my actions and decisions, determining my own fate. However, there is something appealing about the fact that there is a greater power that is watching me follow the path I was "meant" for. Would I want to know my fate, and how it plays out? Probably not. I would, however, like to know if I ever end up getting married, or the off chance of me having kids. Because I think that these things would give me motivation to be a better person. It would be interesting to know if I ever learn to put someone else first, and my selfishness second. Because as of right now, I'm not very good at that.

When I was in high school, I always thought that 25 was realllly old, and a perfect age to get married. This was the "right" age to do this, because it seemed so far away. I don't think I began to realize how ridiculous this idea was until I turned 24. Crap. That's less than a year away. I think it is amazing when people fall in love early and stay together forever. But really, how viable of an idea is this now? Maybe this stems on the fact that I am an incredibly selfish person, not being about to imagine myself with someone for the ever. I guess this is where it would be nice to see myself in 10 years. I think I have the capacity to commit to someone for my entire life, but that idea is pretty scary. I don't even think it's the commitment thing that freaks me out the most, it's the idea that I could find someone I could actually enjoy being with and visa versa (I've heard it's difficult) for the rest of my days. Marriage still seems so final, and I am definitely not mature enough to be thinking about this yet. This is probably the reason why I have sabotaged the majority of my relationships - I am just slower on the commitment uptake than most people.

So why am I writing this? I guess it is because I like to think that it is all worth while. I look back on a lot of relationships and think "what a waste of time", and "what did I learn from this"? I don't want to keep bouncing through relationships just to learn what I don't want. I think I have a pretty solid understanding of what I want in a relationship. The tricky part is finding someone that is right for me, and crossing my fingers that I could be right for someone else.






Sidenote> What a day for my AC to stop working in my car. Seriously. Reportedly the hottest day in Toronto history, my AC doesn't work. My karma is not looking so good right now. What did I do!

150.

Its amazing how much better I feel when I am speeding on the highway with my hair blowing in my face so I can't fully see. I don't think I will ever get rid of my car silely for this vice. It really does help clear my head.

Oh and I've been writing this while I drive.
I need a strong drink.

Milestone.

I wanted to do a play on words with successfully completing a milestone in my life by getting a job at Milestones, but it sounded pretty lame. However, it seems that I wrote it anyways. I am quite excited about this, and I am looking forward to occupying my time with work again, I have always been a workaholic. When I say workaholic, I really mean money-aholic. I've always loved making money, and I think this job will be better than any stupid Boston Pizza job could supply me.

Unfortunately, this leaves me anxious and a little jittery. I am basically homeless, and I am getting my cat on sunday. I basically need to move out in August, but all of my furniture is still in my old apartment in Mississauga. I am debating the issue of whether I am comfortable crashing in other peoples places for the month, or if I should find a place ASAP and live on a couch that I would be buying, and most likely would be my only piece of furniture. This idea also weirds me out because who wants to live like a bum? Well I sure don't. I'm scared that if I stay where I am now, I am going to get cold feet and run. An act that I am very good at when I get freaked out. I really don't want to sabotage anything this time around because I really do care. So the question remains of what I should do.

It also doesn't help that I am writing this incredibly hungry, and many people know how unpleasant I can be when I am hungry. Furthermore suckage, I just realized that I can't actually leave the building because I won't be able to get back in. Even furthermore suckage, there is no food in the apartment so I will continue to eat my fourth toaster strudel of the day. I think one day I am going to publish my blogs and name it something like "Lack of Consistency" or "Terrible Wit" or "Sad but True". I am a fan of the last one. I want to be able to compile all of my stupidity and look back and laugh at how amazing and spontaneous my life has been. The crazy part of this crazy idea, is the fact that the majority of my stupidness is not even on here!!

Thinking about this made me cheer up a lot. I really am a ridiculous human being with no insight on responsibility. I will always talk and act like how I did in high school, just slightly more sensitive and good looking.

DING!! Dinner is ready.

Unchanged.

I'm looking at the mirror on the wall, it seems to be unchanging. Every item in this room is moving slightly against other items so quickly we only know it in theory. I'm realizing my life seems to be the same everyday now that I have not worked in over a month. I feel like I am floating with my feet in the air, creeping from one day to the next. However, according to this physical theory (not sure the name) I am just an item moving slightly against other items. Although my life seems to be stopped, it is always changing, I just cannot see it.
This whole idea makes sense in my head, but my vocabulary may keep it from making sense out loud.
I hope I get this job - so I feel like I have a home base again. That I am not in fact living vicariously through others. Having my own apartment, having a job (even if I do not enjoy it as much as I should), my cat and my friends and family make me feel grounded. Comfort. I miss that. I feel so uncomfortable lately, and I just want my life to have some consistency again. Yes, I said it. Consistency can be good.

I need to be stimulated, mind stimulation that is, so I do not feel like my brain cells are being wasted on useless tasks that have no core value.
Maybe the truth is that I will never be satisfied with my situation, no matter where, who I am with, or what I am doing. Perhaps I am satisfied being unsatisfied. No, that is definitely not true. I hope I get this job so I can feel my feet on the ground again.

Sloppy Monday.

Woke up today feeling like gold!


Not.

Last night was one sloppy evening. Brandon's cousin Kelley is visiting from Vancouver and showed her around Toronto for the day. Spent some money that I don't really have and went for lunch. Thought of the brilliant idea to try on incredibly scary vintage clothes at Black Market, and had almost died of laughter (me balling my eyes out, and Kelley on the floor) wearing the most ridiculous get-ups ever. Took the hot and incredibly sweaty subway to meet with Brandon and walk over to his dad's place. Enjoyed a couple skinny bitches (vodka beverages) and had dinner (delicioussss). Brandon and Austin made margaritas out of Petrone. Then followed that with another tequila based margarita. Hung out by the pool until we started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. At this point, for some unknown reason, we decided that it would be a good idea to head to a bar somewhere nearby. We were all fairly intoxicated. Brandon gave me a drunken piggy back ride up hill, and at some point I tackled him to the ground, hee hee. We found some random ass bar I think on Yonge Street. Here we all stayed until 3am.
Stupidity that ensued:
breaking a glass, spilling a beer bottle, one of us being taken home by cab and escorted through the back door after too many beverages, playing coaster drinking games, mini stroll to shake off the I'm-about-to-puke feeling, beer dranking with the bartender and manager after closing.
Eventually we took a cab home, and I drunkenly spazed about that fuggin cab driver for ripping us off.
Once we got back to Brandon's, we watched some videos and I went to pass out. I woke up at 7am to go find Brandon passed out half on half off the futon beside Kelley, who was also passed right out in her panties. Told Brandon to go to bed, set an alarm for him to get up at 8am to head to work. We were all in such rough shape and exhausted that Brandon didn't head to work until 1030am (after numerous wake up attempts), and Kelley woke up to alcohol still sticky down her leg. What a slopfest. Stayed in bed till 1pm, then went to The Beaches to enjoy the sun. Saw a sexy stud (for real) in a green thong speedo, wowwww. Wasn't exactly as relaxing as we had hoped (fuggin sand everywhere including my hair and hot drinking water and cold Lake Ontario), so we battled stupid Toronto traffic rocking out to Chromeo, picked Brandon up and went to Milestones for some much needed grub and lotssss of water. Some douchey-douchebag cut me off on the highway, and then later purposefully swerved into my lane, just to piss me off. Not impressed with you fuggin Honda Accord. Made a new friend with Danny our server and went to see Horrible Bosses. Pretty darn funny.
Now we are taking a night off of drinking and watching Hairspray.
Interview tomorrow!! Fingers crossed!!
Solid monday, phewf.

Little lesson.

If there's a lesson I want you to learn -
If you're going to play with fire, then you are going to get burned.

Blank.

Hmm... I have opened this to write three separate times today. I seem to be without any thoughts lately. There are things worth writing about, mainly my killer tan and front page article for my kickball tournament in May. But I want to write something more... But what?
When I was on my way home from Owen Sound yesterday, I started to think about whether I see my future in the city, country or somewhere random in-between. I truly love driving through the country with my windows down, music full blast and random manure smells that pass every few minutes. However, I am a city girl to the bone, and incredibly high maintenance. I would love to have a lovely place somewhere outside of the city where I can walk my future dog and hear nature. Even more so, I would love to go to sleep and wake up to the sound of crashing waves.
I guess I am just thinking about it because I find out about school in a week, and will need to start making some decisions. Unfortunately, as to everyone's knowledge, I cannot make decisions. I need to figure out a bunch of things, so it will be a very interesting and transitional time.
I do know how excited I am for saturday. It's going to be a solid day.

burnt bum.

For the third time in the last few weeks, I have burnt my bottom. Today we are going to get me a beach chair so I can start burning my front instead. Another beach day up in Sauble, where I will be thinking of what could have been.

Got a killer belated birthday present yesterday -- new Nixon watch. So sexy. My third Nixon but the only one right now that works. Have to get used to wearing one again.

Feeling.

Katy, how are you doing today?



"urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That just about sums it up.



On a different note, last night was super fun. I haven't drank that much in a long time and it was amazing. Minus the blacking out thing and being told what I did the next day. Apparently I am incredibly lovely and courteous to others around me in public, especially around children...... not. Oops. Good thing being topless is legal in our province! Drinking copious amounts of wine, BBQing (!!! so delicious) and eating outside on the deck with birds flying around us. Getting addicted to Breaking Bad, then cabbing to Waterloo to watch fireworks. Stopping at Marble Slab for the most satisfying combination of ice cream toppings ever, and getting lost finding fireworks on the Waterloo campus. Missing said fireworks, and pulling out a blanket in the middle of the walkways while everyone walks around us. Cabbing back, and out cold by midnight.

Now that is a solid Canada Day.

When I first started writing this, I was really stressed out. However, after writing about yesterday, I find myself smiling again.

Sauble Beach for the next fews days, basically until I decide to come back. No real rush, since I have nothing else better to do than basking in the sun and destroying my liver.

Good times.
Now I just need to find a place to travel to for the month of August. Chile? Possible. Australia? I'll never come back. Hmm, tempting.

Canada Day.

I was going to write about everything that has happened in the last week, but I don't feel like it anymore.
The only thing I really care to write about is my adventure flying through the sky. That's right, SKYDIVING. It was totally amazing, and I want to take it up as a hobby. I want to go today, and tomorrow and more and more and more! I am trying to upload the video, but I am not sure if it is going to work. We shall see.
For today, going to see live bands, drink beer and watch the fireworks at Columbia Lake.
Sauble Beach for a few days next week -- going to be a pretty chill next little while. Life is good.