Ying Yang.

I would really love to stream line my thoughts and emotions. They seem to be so scattered and inconsistent. I am confident in my decision, yet I have the ability to see the other side. It seems to be a 90-10 split... If you want to talk statistically speaking. It is the "what ifs" that confuse me, the unknowns that I would have to live with, no matter the decision I make. I think I would prefer to take the 90 and question the 10, than take the 10 and question the 90.
The saying is " go with your gut ". In this case, I am going against my gut and following my gut. I doubt this will make sense to any outsider reading this, but I suppose that is the point.
I am satisfied that my life is the way it's meant to be. I couldn't ask for anything more. I have been given a fork-in-the-road, and I may not be doing the right thing, but I am confident that I am taking the right road to a bright and happy future. There isn't anyone else I would rather do this with.

I think that is enough analogy and metaphors for one entry. Good night.

La la la!

There are carol-ers in our office right now. Hilarious.

Today's been a good day.

Spectrum.

Shock.

Denial.

Surreal.

Sadness.

Surreal.

Loneliness.

Good Point.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2011/12/09/bc-ticketscancelled.html

Let me know if you need my contact details. :)

Bangin.

I'm starting to get used to having bangs and I like it. They are definitely more maintenance than I like, but I get compliments all the time.
Actually, I have been told by 3 different people in the last 2 weeks that I look like a younger Demi Moore. I really don't see it but I guess that a compliment. I've never been told that before so it must be the bangs.
I am presently watching St. Elmos Fire and I still don't see it.

Oh well.

2.

I hate December 2nd with a passion... I tried to forget about what this day means considering everyone else around me has. However there was a greater force than I can't control nor explain that made me sit there and think about today and what this day means.
My car ran out of gas... Much much sooner than anticipated. I cannot find a greater explanation than the one on repeat in my head. I sat there in the middle of the street wondering why on earth it would have happened on a day such as this.
I hate wallowing in self pity.. And I hate the burning sensation behind my eyes when I try not to cry. Unfortunately I couldn't help it and I just want to sleep forever.
Thank you mom. I do remember very well what 8:40 pm means. I remember quite well. So please don't hassle me by stupid coincidences and come back and visit me in my dreams.

All a Game.

It's like in the games of thrones intro when all the walls are going up. I must be on the final episode. So much for trusting thy enemies.

If you ever think things are too good to be true... You are probably right.

I have so much less patience during this time of the year...

Nutcracker.

Woot! Officially booked this year's Nutcracker tickets. Pretty great seats for a pretty expensive price. But that's okay! Winter and Christmas feelings begin December 14th. The grinch leaves the building in two weeks.

Tomorrow is the start of a new month, the first legit month where I can actually start making money. We shall see how it goes. I feel like I am getting closer! I did make my first booking last week, which actually was quite exciting for me. I am currently waiting for free dinner and wasting time. I've already been here for 9 hours, might as well stay another hour!

...

Is it weird that I'm looking forward to walking around in the cold tonight with Starbucks? Things are changing and I can't control it.

What...

Am/...

Was...

I...

Thinking?

My Rebuttal.

I would just like to mention that this is MY blog, my entries. A couple special people have commented on what I have written.
My rebuttal.
I don't have to change any of my thoughts. If you don't want to see what I have to say, don't read it. It is very simple. I do not feel bad about being honest, nor do I care if you are hurt. If someone actually makes me want to erase them from my life, I don't want reminders of them. I can say this, I have never deleted all reminders of anyone I have dated. This is a first. I can't say why this is, but I think it has to do with never being so disgusted with someone I thought I cared about... Further, never been so disgusted with myself that I put up with their bullshit for as long as I did. Yes, I feel sick about the entire situation, but not for losing you. I feel sick for losing out on so much time and excitement trying to persuade you that I was everything you needed. I know you will go back to what you find comfortable, and in doing that, you will give away a lot of your self-preservation and integrity. I'm thankful this isn't my concern anymore. You can be an empty shell walking around, I hope that fills your day with the love and happiness you seem to want so badly. Unfortunately you are incapable of being what you want to be.
I really did have hope that you weren't the asshole everyone seems to think you are, but as usual you have proven me wrong. Congratulations, you have lost your one true supporter, your stability and love.

I don't think there is anything that you could do to persuade me otherwise.
I'm going to try to forget about the "what if" questions that will be going through my head over the next couple weeks, and concentrate on the "yes" comments I will be saying.

FindersKeepers.

I have decided that it's time to get back up... and by this I mean, believing that love is everything. Over the past little while, I have been constantly persuaded, purposefully or not, that love really is stupid and pointless. However, I do not want to continue with those types of thoughts. I much prefer to remember how wonderful it can make you feel, and how you sometimes will do anything for it. I used to think that, and it went away. I really hope to regain this sense of happiness and hopelessness.

Really, I am just throwing another into the pile of smelly, worn out, pieces of garbage of people that I definitely do not want. I'm okay with that.

(Great analogy coming right up.)

Because sometimes if you sift through enough garbage you find a treasure - something you cannot live without. Finders keepers. I hope the next person that comes along doesn't take this for granted, and they feel like they found something wonderful, and will do anything to keep it. I don't want to keep wasting my time with smelly, worn out pieces of garbage.

My life is too fabulous to let people bring me down to their level. 2011 has been a shit year, it really has. So here is to hoping that 2012 brings happiness, love and plenty of adventure. But most of all, someone who can keep up with my ever-changing attitude and lifestyle.

Cheers to starting fresh... again. :)

Thats a Wrap.

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first... And sometimes the first thing you want never comes. I know waiting is all you can do sometimes...

I'm waiting with my heart wide open.

Final Verdict.

I just wanted to say that this will be my last post for a little while. I just want to focus on myself, and honesty i don't care to remember these feelings, nor do I want anyone knowing much about me.

When things turn around, and it's a time when every post is positive rather than negative, you can read about me again... But for now, I am out.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNN,

Holy geez son! I fuggin' love Breaking Bad. What a quality show... Finally watching the finale and it's pretty intense.

OHHHH MAN. I recommend watching - solid show. Basically like watching a movie. So good!!


That is all.

Milk.

Mmmmm... Nothing like a hot cup of milk to calm your nerves before sleep. Try it before you judge it.


I really think I need to plan a trip out west... Kath, you just made my week! Xxoxoxo I love you.

So Lost.

I have my phone interview tomorrow morning. I am absolutely thrilled.. Or I was. I wanted to study and make sure I nailed it.
Now I am lying in bed after seeing that movie. Good movie. Sad movie. A movie full of reminders of the things I lack in life - the support system I don't have, the things i have been through, the career set I don't have, and the significant other that isn't quite so significant. I have lost my motivation to study for this interview. I wish I was not so controlled by my emotions.

I just want a back rub, and fall asleep to someone singing to me. Alas. I am alone once again.

I think the fact my life sucks right now is greater than 50/50.

Spoiling Myself.

I bought a new couch this weekend. Not really that exciting, is it. However, it was the most giddy I had been in a while. I feel like I always have to be doing something or buying myself something to be content, even if it's always just temporary. I was looking forward to creating my own living space, decorating and organizing the way I wanted to. Now that its done I think to myself... What next? I need an ever-changing lifestyle to be content with my situation. I hate getting stuck in one spot and consistency. Consistency is boring. Of course we need some consistency, but I need to switch things up all the time. I think this is why a job that enables me to travel would be my ultimate dream job. I would love to write memoirs about the experiences I have all over the world. I tried writing my novel today but my keyboard is so messed up it still won't let me. Unless I want my entire novel to be the letter 'r' on repeat for 30,000 words. Not so much. I think deep down I want to be swept off my feet and live the life of a character from a romance novel.
I always thought I wanted to go into health care because I figured it was one of the few jobs that always keep you on your toes... I'm starting to realize that maybe I was meant for something different. I hope I figure out what it is before I run away to find it. I don't think it would be a temporary fix this time.

End of the Rope.

I feel like I am on a tightrope hovering above the ground trying very hard to stay balanced. If I fall to the left, I could break bones and lose my passion to move forward. If I fall to the right, I could land uninjured but still feel unmotivated and empty.

If I could keep myself composed and focused, I could continue on my journey without looking back. I try to do this but the wind is so strong, it pushing me in all directions... Back, left, right and forward. Which way am I meant to go? I take another step and think of all the amazing things waiting for me at the end. I can't see it, but I know it's there. Happiness. Success. Love.

I want all these things so I close my eyes, take a deep breath and take another step forward.

I truly hope these things are really there and not an illusion of a life I was never meant to have.

Laughable Timing.

Ha, so I just got accepted to my program at Sheridan... "firm admit" it says.
Seems pretty suiting that it happens as soon as I don't have anyone to celebrate with...


Going to sleep instead. Oh wait, I have a bottle of wine! Celebratory night commences.
Nahh, definitely want to sleep more.

Turkey dump.

Remains true even after university. I may be sick to my stomach, broken finger and cut feet but I hope this means I can finally stop worrying that I was making a mistake by staying with someone who constantly lies and doesn't care about his loyalty to anyone but himself and his fetal alcohol syndrome girlfriend. Fuck you. Thank you for having absolutely no balls. Everything seems much better in theory.

Weird feeling.

I realized today how much I miss bartending. I think I just mostly miss working more with people I actually liked (for the most part). I need something more from this job.

Distraction.

I am playing cribbage hands in my head based on the time on the clock. I make 15s to occupy my mind. I'm over being upset, and used as an emotional punching bag.
I am going to sleep to the sound of my cat, whistling a random tune. There is a good chance I will trace the pillow beside me, but maybe not tonight. It is getting pretty late.

Sleeping.

I enjoy my daily naps.. Lately I have been enjoying them for a different reason... It is the only time in the day that I can completely disconnect from everything (shit) happening in my life.

I wish it was more than 45 minutes.

I am ready for my luck to change... Anytime...

Sigh of Relief.

After 11 days of unknown, Madi is back. My little quadruple-pounder (that's four pounds for whoever can't figure that out) beef patty has returned to me on one piece. Sure, she may be a little smaller than 11 days ago, but definitely seems happy to be home. I have to give all the credit to everyone else that helped me with the hunt. It wasn't easy since Guelph is an hour each way. But I have to say that Brandon does love my cat as much as I do, even when he says he hates cats. A common feeling we share, but Madi really is the exception. Madi definitely had quite the adventure, but so did Brandon chasing her around - barefoot.

He really is my hero in slightly tarnished armor.
Our little family has its heart back.

And fur. Wow.




Always have to remember that things work out... and karma does have its way of coming around.

Terms.

Patience

Something I seriously lack.

Faith

Something I have plenty of.

I am having a difficult time understanding how I can have faith, but minimal patience. I feel like they should go hand in hand. Where does the line blur together? I am currently sitting in Guelph on the faith that my cat is nearby. However, at the same time, I am really wanting a nap. Maybe I know deep down that patience only goes so far, and faith takes over.

This idea translates to all situations in life. I think it all boils down to knowing deep down that I get what I want, when I want it. When something doesn't go exactly how I plan, I bail and hope that others will do the work I am not willing to do anymore. I think that I have faith that I will get what I want, so patience does not really come into play. It doesn't matter how long I wait, things usually work out.

I don't think this ramble makes very much sense. That's just me though, a lot of words, but not a lot of sense or meaning.

Stress.

You are my stressor. I have never wanted to go get a pack of cigarettes in my life, yet tonight it is all I am craving to lower my heart beating out of my chest. I feel like your mom, worrying about you, suspicious of you, waiting on your every need. I haven't even been able to sleep, hence why I am writing this at 5:00am. The week you were gone was the best sleeps and least stressful days I have had in a while, even through the homelessness spell. I still slept easy. I don't like who I am becoming. I am not strong enough to hold your head above water, as well as mine. I feel like I'm drowning and quickly becoming weak. I have spent a lot of time over the years trying to be the strong rock I am meant to be, and lately I am waning. I hate it. I'm tired. I want a break. I want me back, and not the person you have made me into. I have been told I am an amazing person, and I feel like I am. However, I feel like garbage, just waiting for things to go wrong again. I want a healthy relationship, not one that tears me apart from the inside out.

I want me again. And I definitely do not want to be one of those people that need disgusting vices to get through things. I've been drinking a lot, but smoking? That's a new time low for me.

Ah, then you walk in. Its 5:00am. I am not mad, just tired. On numerous levels. I go into another room. My heart slows down and I can relax. Peace for a few hours until we do it all again tomorrow.

All Over the Place.

Just thought I would write about my fantastic evening on Tuesday. It was Brandon's birthday on Wednesday, so we met a couple of his friends downtown at Hemmingways. Super cool bar, patio for days. There must have been at least 4 separate patios. We ended up sitting at the top. After 20 minutes deciding what we eat, we started drinking beer.... and more beer.... and one more pitcher after that. Apparently I can hold my liquor, but not my beer. I had the brilliant idea of bringing in Brandon's birthday at the strip club, and it was conveniently located down the street. We ended up at The Brass Rail, and had one more beer. Hina had the brilliant idea to having tequila shots. Hey, why not. FML. I'm not exactly sure how it all went, but the time seemed to go so quickly. I think I just wanted to get through it... I have a terrible memory, but unfortunately remember all of it. We hopped on a bus back to Brandon's and passed out on each other - then it hit me. That queasy, mouth watering, FML type of feeling. I told Brandon we had to get off, and instantly projectile vomited outside the bus. I'm not sure where we were at this point, but he went to get me water and hopped into a cab the rest of the way. Then of course, it hit me again. Out of the window I went, and puked all over the outside of the cab. I felt kind of bad, but at least it wasn't inside. I think I just left the cab without Brandon and started walking to his apartment. Made it up the elevator, and puked all over the carpet outside his front door. LOL. Omg so brutal. I've never been so sick in my life. I went straight to the shower and apparently stayed there for a half an hour. Brandon was lovely considering I started his birthday off memorable, and literally washed the vomit out of my hair. I am not sure what time I actually made it to bed, but I was out like a light. Woke up feeling like shit warmed up, and stayed in bed until at least 1:00pm. I have only ever felt that rough one other time, and that was in Costa Rica. Needless to say, I didn't drink at all on his birthday. Ate sushi, which was probably a terrible idea, but went to the Blink-182 concert, which turned out to be pretty alright.

Tonight I am relaxing, since I think this weekend is going to be pretty rough. Canada's Wonderland tomorrow... need to get Advil before we go.

Oh, and I was kind of disappointed in The Brass Rail.

Ignorance.

Ha, I just read my last post and laughed. Some things never change - luckily feelings do.

Remember.

I want to remember this moment, this feeling.

I am in the car with you driving and I am happy.

Weird.

The next house over has always been rented by students, but this summer a family has moved in. The little girls were singing to Justin Biebs, however they didn't know all the words, so they just sang the "baby, baby, baby ohhhh" on repeat. I can only imagine them dancing around during the parts they didn't know.
Now, it became weird when mommy came out. I stopped doing my makeup because her voice sounded identical to my mommy's. Of course, of course (!!!) One of the girls names were Kathryn that she was speaking to.

What a surreal week it has been.

Blood Suckers.

I am just plain ol' frustrated. I sat outside for an hour on Tuesday, and to my utter irritation, my feet were bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. I can handle mosquito bites, but when they are on my feet and I am trying to sleep.... @*&^@*&^!!! My feet are sensitive enough as it is. I even tried my little technique on fighting the itch, but it does not work on my feet apparently. It probably doesn't help that I play with my cat, that I am allergic to, then itch. It's just a double-whammy of itchiness.
On top of that stupidity, I have had absolutely no luck today looking at apartments. I am pretty sure I am going to be homeless, again, starting next week. F.M.L. Please please please help me find an apartment. <----- That wasn't exactly directed at anyone in particular, I just need a place to live.
On top of THAT stupidity, I am not getting my unemployment until September now. Wonderful... and that's if I still get it.

End of rant.

Solid day so far, I'm going back to sleep.

1800's.

I woke up at 6:30am after a pretty interesting dream. It was a dream where you want to keep dreaming, but for some reason your mind instantly turns on and there is no going back. Usually this only happens during sexy dreams... not this morning. It shows where my head is at.

They are preparing for a party.
People are setting up everywhere.
I am dressed in a long green dress that pushes my bosoms into my chin.
The gentleman beside me is dressed in a black and white penguin suit, curly hair and dark features.

It looks like a scene from Pride and Prejudice.

He is trying to woo me.
I am playing hard to get.
We are putting cutlery on the white tablecloths.
The tables seem to go on for miles.
The white tent is pitched in the middle of a green meadow surrounded with old trees swinging in the wind.

Then of course it ends. Before the meal, and the dancing. Damn it.
I guess it is better than the dream I woke up to yesterday morning, where I was chasing around a girl trying to kill her, and visa versa. In that dream, I threw her off a balcony.

Naughty.

I was just trying to find my lipchap in my purse and came across little Lelo. She must be so claustrophobic sitting in there. I think I should take her out and get her to stretch my, I mean, her, legs.
I always take care of things that take care of me.

I really do think I am pretty hilarious. Sometimes it is fun to talk in metaphors.


Ah, I figured it out. It is tuesday. Those who knows me well knows what this means. It all makes sense now.

Smiley face. A big one.

Quick Note.

I was incredibly unprepared to hear from you today, but I am so glad that I did. You are truly an amazing person, and make me feel better instantly. I hope I hear from you more often, I have missed your corny jokes and undeniably lovely compliments. It was just what I needed. I will be going to sleep feeling like today was a good day.

Surreal.

I walked into my old house yesterday with the feeling of regret. Not regret from the previous few months, but for returning to the comfort and security that this house brings. I lived in this house for three years (the longest consecutive time spent in a house my entire life) and have fond and devastating memories attached to it. Three years is a long time. I walked into my old room, knowing that it was someone else's. However, I wiggled my toes in the terrible fuchsia carpet that I was incredibly allergic to, put on the overhead fan that you would swear was going to fall off the ceiling at any moment, closed the black blinds covered in dust, and curled up in this strangers bed. I fell asleep to the sounds of traffic on the Hanlon and Kortright, and I have not had such a solid sleep in a very long time. I slept for almost ten hours without waking up. I am pretty sure I woke up in the same position as when I fell asleep.
I went to the washroom, hearing the memorable squeaks of the faucet, walked down the stairs, hearing every memorable creek of the weakness of the wood underneath and made tea and breakfast later than I should have. An act I would have done everyday I was a student with no job. I sat in front of a computer catching up on my tv shows, another act I would have done everyday I was a student with no job.
I had so much time to myself when I was at school. Almost all people I dated did not live in Guelph so I got to do my own thing the majority of the time. I am surprisingly content with being back here. Definitely not permanent, but comfortable for a few days. My cat fell right back at home, perched at the doorway of my old room as my security guard.
No one has been here, and I know once Lydia is back I am going to feel like a student again. Numerous people have called me a homebody because I spent a lot of my time at home with my friends - watching movies, having dinner together, talking about (my) notorious boy dramas, and being proud of each others accomplishments at school.
When I am away from Guelph, I feel so happy I got out. But I miss the quiet of my street (except during frosh and exams), jogs around the block, listening to music and reading notes on the bus to school, and walking everywhere because I did not need a car.
I guess I am just being sentimental and nostalgic. There are only a few situations in life that make me feel this way. Some get this feeling from thinking and being with people, but I mostly get it from places. A place is a specific instance where something occurred. I do associate certain people to certain places, but more so I associate security to certain places. This is numero uno.
I think I am just rambling, and my writing probably does not make much sense anymore.
I know one thing - by the end of my fourth year, I would find every excuse to leave Guelph and go to the city (almost every weekend). Now, I find myself feeling pretty great about leaving the city, and enjoying the quiet of Guelph.
Funny.

Decisions.

Idea - Decision Making.
Is it possible to make a decision and stick with it?

Fuck, I don't even know anymore. You would think that many decisions are straight-forward and self-explanatory. Hell, I am terrible at making decisions. I have been told many-a-times that I am indecisive. However, I am very decisive about the topics that matter, and the topics I care about. I usually do not care enough to argue about the minimal issues. Recently, someone has introduced me to a very understandable topic - opportunity cost. Well, this idea sums it all up. As a person who apparently lives by this rule, you are doing a terrible job at this argument. Shouldn't it be so obvious to you? It sure is obvious to me. Apparently in this situation, you don't give a fuck about the topic you live everyday by. You think you need back-ups and support, but guess what? I am the best of all worlds. If you are willing to throw it all away because of your lack of decision making, maybe you should revisit your opportunity cost idea. If you cannot figure this one out, it is never going to work.

On that note, I am changing my blog name. I don't think I believe that love conquers all anymore. I really don't know why I thought that way in the first place. Today, I hate being a hopeless romantic.

FUCKING Hell.

Fuck fuck fucking fuckkkkkkk. I have been told numerous times that I have a potty mouth, but I have found that it has gotten worse over the last few months. I am increasingly more irritated, short-fused, upset, mad, impatient... Any synonym you can think of that defines unhappy.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck did I do to deserve such garbage? Yes, I have not been the e best person in the world, but I try really fucking hard to be caring, loving, trusting, thoughtful, forgiving.... And any other synonym that defines a great girlfriend.
I have come down to the conclusion to never follow my heart. It is always wrong! Illogical! Fucking WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My stomach has been doing bellyflops yesterday morning and today, I'm pretty sure it is my gut saying "throw out what makes you sick".
I will always deserve better than crying everyday. You know what? I have even been tempted lately to start smoking. Me. Ms. I've-never-smoked-a-cigarette. I'm starting to feel the weight and of course, my skin is starting to show it too. Too bad I'm not that weak, but I am going a little fucking insane.

Madi.

My cat always seems to know when I am upset. It is during this time that she decides to snuggle up close to me, an act she does not do otherwise. I think she is the only living creature that loves me and much as I love them. Madi may not be able to speak english, but sure speaks her mind all the time. Whenever I speak fake-meow to her, she always replies. I think this is her way of saying she loves me. This is an odd sense of security, but I like it.

Written in the Stars.

In the car, I was listening to the song "Written in the Stars" by Tinie Tempah, but wasn't really listening to the lyrics at all. I went off into my own little world and started to think of whether I believe in this idea. I would like to think that I am responsible for my actions and decisions, determining my own fate. However, there is something appealing about the fact that there is a greater power that is watching me follow the path I was "meant" for. Would I want to know my fate, and how it plays out? Probably not. I would, however, like to know if I ever end up getting married, or the off chance of me having kids. Because I think that these things would give me motivation to be a better person. It would be interesting to know if I ever learn to put someone else first, and my selfishness second. Because as of right now, I'm not very good at that.

When I was in high school, I always thought that 25 was realllly old, and a perfect age to get married. This was the "right" age to do this, because it seemed so far away. I don't think I began to realize how ridiculous this idea was until I turned 24. Crap. That's less than a year away. I think it is amazing when people fall in love early and stay together forever. But really, how viable of an idea is this now? Maybe this stems on the fact that I am an incredibly selfish person, not being about to imagine myself with someone for the ever. I guess this is where it would be nice to see myself in 10 years. I think I have the capacity to commit to someone for my entire life, but that idea is pretty scary. I don't even think it's the commitment thing that freaks me out the most, it's the idea that I could find someone I could actually enjoy being with and visa versa (I've heard it's difficult) for the rest of my days. Marriage still seems so final, and I am definitely not mature enough to be thinking about this yet. This is probably the reason why I have sabotaged the majority of my relationships - I am just slower on the commitment uptake than most people.

So why am I writing this? I guess it is because I like to think that it is all worth while. I look back on a lot of relationships and think "what a waste of time", and "what did I learn from this"? I don't want to keep bouncing through relationships just to learn what I don't want. I think I have a pretty solid understanding of what I want in a relationship. The tricky part is finding someone that is right for me, and crossing my fingers that I could be right for someone else.






Sidenote> What a day for my AC to stop working in my car. Seriously. Reportedly the hottest day in Toronto history, my AC doesn't work. My karma is not looking so good right now. What did I do!

150.

Its amazing how much better I feel when I am speeding on the highway with my hair blowing in my face so I can't fully see. I don't think I will ever get rid of my car silely for this vice. It really does help clear my head.

Oh and I've been writing this while I drive.
I need a strong drink.

Milestone.

I wanted to do a play on words with successfully completing a milestone in my life by getting a job at Milestones, but it sounded pretty lame. However, it seems that I wrote it anyways. I am quite excited about this, and I am looking forward to occupying my time with work again, I have always been a workaholic. When I say workaholic, I really mean money-aholic. I've always loved making money, and I think this job will be better than any stupid Boston Pizza job could supply me.

Unfortunately, this leaves me anxious and a little jittery. I am basically homeless, and I am getting my cat on sunday. I basically need to move out in August, but all of my furniture is still in my old apartment in Mississauga. I am debating the issue of whether I am comfortable crashing in other peoples places for the month, or if I should find a place ASAP and live on a couch that I would be buying, and most likely would be my only piece of furniture. This idea also weirds me out because who wants to live like a bum? Well I sure don't. I'm scared that if I stay where I am now, I am going to get cold feet and run. An act that I am very good at when I get freaked out. I really don't want to sabotage anything this time around because I really do care. So the question remains of what I should do.

It also doesn't help that I am writing this incredibly hungry, and many people know how unpleasant I can be when I am hungry. Furthermore suckage, I just realized that I can't actually leave the building because I won't be able to get back in. Even furthermore suckage, there is no food in the apartment so I will continue to eat my fourth toaster strudel of the day. I think one day I am going to publish my blogs and name it something like "Lack of Consistency" or "Terrible Wit" or "Sad but True". I am a fan of the last one. I want to be able to compile all of my stupidity and look back and laugh at how amazing and spontaneous my life has been. The crazy part of this crazy idea, is the fact that the majority of my stupidness is not even on here!!

Thinking about this made me cheer up a lot. I really am a ridiculous human being with no insight on responsibility. I will always talk and act like how I did in high school, just slightly more sensitive and good looking.

DING!! Dinner is ready.

Unchanged.

I'm looking at the mirror on the wall, it seems to be unchanging. Every item in this room is moving slightly against other items so quickly we only know it in theory. I'm realizing my life seems to be the same everyday now that I have not worked in over a month. I feel like I am floating with my feet in the air, creeping from one day to the next. However, according to this physical theory (not sure the name) I am just an item moving slightly against other items. Although my life seems to be stopped, it is always changing, I just cannot see it.
This whole idea makes sense in my head, but my vocabulary may keep it from making sense out loud.
I hope I get this job - so I feel like I have a home base again. That I am not in fact living vicariously through others. Having my own apartment, having a job (even if I do not enjoy it as much as I should), my cat and my friends and family make me feel grounded. Comfort. I miss that. I feel so uncomfortable lately, and I just want my life to have some consistency again. Yes, I said it. Consistency can be good.

I need to be stimulated, mind stimulation that is, so I do not feel like my brain cells are being wasted on useless tasks that have no core value.
Maybe the truth is that I will never be satisfied with my situation, no matter where, who I am with, or what I am doing. Perhaps I am satisfied being unsatisfied. No, that is definitely not true. I hope I get this job so I can feel my feet on the ground again.

Sloppy Monday.

Woke up today feeling like gold!


Not.

Last night was one sloppy evening. Brandon's cousin Kelley is visiting from Vancouver and showed her around Toronto for the day. Spent some money that I don't really have and went for lunch. Thought of the brilliant idea to try on incredibly scary vintage clothes at Black Market, and had almost died of laughter (me balling my eyes out, and Kelley on the floor) wearing the most ridiculous get-ups ever. Took the hot and incredibly sweaty subway to meet with Brandon and walk over to his dad's place. Enjoyed a couple skinny bitches (vodka beverages) and had dinner (delicioussss). Brandon and Austin made margaritas out of Petrone. Then followed that with another tequila based margarita. Hung out by the pool until we started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. At this point, for some unknown reason, we decided that it would be a good idea to head to a bar somewhere nearby. We were all fairly intoxicated. Brandon gave me a drunken piggy back ride up hill, and at some point I tackled him to the ground, hee hee. We found some random ass bar I think on Yonge Street. Here we all stayed until 3am.
Stupidity that ensued:
breaking a glass, spilling a beer bottle, one of us being taken home by cab and escorted through the back door after too many beverages, playing coaster drinking games, mini stroll to shake off the I'm-about-to-puke feeling, beer dranking with the bartender and manager after closing.
Eventually we took a cab home, and I drunkenly spazed about that fuggin cab driver for ripping us off.
Once we got back to Brandon's, we watched some videos and I went to pass out. I woke up at 7am to go find Brandon passed out half on half off the futon beside Kelley, who was also passed right out in her panties. Told Brandon to go to bed, set an alarm for him to get up at 8am to head to work. We were all in such rough shape and exhausted that Brandon didn't head to work until 1030am (after numerous wake up attempts), and Kelley woke up to alcohol still sticky down her leg. What a slopfest. Stayed in bed till 1pm, then went to The Beaches to enjoy the sun. Saw a sexy stud (for real) in a green thong speedo, wowwww. Wasn't exactly as relaxing as we had hoped (fuggin sand everywhere including my hair and hot drinking water and cold Lake Ontario), so we battled stupid Toronto traffic rocking out to Chromeo, picked Brandon up and went to Milestones for some much needed grub and lotssss of water. Some douchey-douchebag cut me off on the highway, and then later purposefully swerved into my lane, just to piss me off. Not impressed with you fuggin Honda Accord. Made a new friend with Danny our server and went to see Horrible Bosses. Pretty darn funny.
Now we are taking a night off of drinking and watching Hairspray.
Interview tomorrow!! Fingers crossed!!
Solid monday, phewf.

Little lesson.

If there's a lesson I want you to learn -
If you're going to play with fire, then you are going to get burned.

Blank.

Hmm... I have opened this to write three separate times today. I seem to be without any thoughts lately. There are things worth writing about, mainly my killer tan and front page article for my kickball tournament in May. But I want to write something more... But what?
When I was on my way home from Owen Sound yesterday, I started to think about whether I see my future in the city, country or somewhere random in-between. I truly love driving through the country with my windows down, music full blast and random manure smells that pass every few minutes. However, I am a city girl to the bone, and incredibly high maintenance. I would love to have a lovely place somewhere outside of the city where I can walk my future dog and hear nature. Even more so, I would love to go to sleep and wake up to the sound of crashing waves.
I guess I am just thinking about it because I find out about school in a week, and will need to start making some decisions. Unfortunately, as to everyone's knowledge, I cannot make decisions. I need to figure out a bunch of things, so it will be a very interesting and transitional time.
I do know how excited I am for saturday. It's going to be a solid day.

burnt bum.

For the third time in the last few weeks, I have burnt my bottom. Today we are going to get me a beach chair so I can start burning my front instead. Another beach day up in Sauble, where I will be thinking of what could have been.

Got a killer belated birthday present yesterday -- new Nixon watch. So sexy. My third Nixon but the only one right now that works. Have to get used to wearing one again.

Feeling.

Katy, how are you doing today?



"urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That just about sums it up.



On a different note, last night was super fun. I haven't drank that much in a long time and it was amazing. Minus the blacking out thing and being told what I did the next day. Apparently I am incredibly lovely and courteous to others around me in public, especially around children...... not. Oops. Good thing being topless is legal in our province! Drinking copious amounts of wine, BBQing (!!! so delicious) and eating outside on the deck with birds flying around us. Getting addicted to Breaking Bad, then cabbing to Waterloo to watch fireworks. Stopping at Marble Slab for the most satisfying combination of ice cream toppings ever, and getting lost finding fireworks on the Waterloo campus. Missing said fireworks, and pulling out a blanket in the middle of the walkways while everyone walks around us. Cabbing back, and out cold by midnight.

Now that is a solid Canada Day.

When I first started writing this, I was really stressed out. However, after writing about yesterday, I find myself smiling again.

Sauble Beach for the next fews days, basically until I decide to come back. No real rush, since I have nothing else better to do than basking in the sun and destroying my liver.

Good times.
Now I just need to find a place to travel to for the month of August. Chile? Possible. Australia? I'll never come back. Hmm, tempting.

Canada Day.

I was going to write about everything that has happened in the last week, but I don't feel like it anymore.
The only thing I really care to write about is my adventure flying through the sky. That's right, SKYDIVING. It was totally amazing, and I want to take it up as a hobby. I want to go today, and tomorrow and more and more and more! I am trying to upload the video, but I am not sure if it is going to work. We shall see.
For today, going to see live bands, drink beer and watch the fireworks at Columbia Lake.
Sauble Beach for a few days next week -- going to be a pretty chill next little while. Life is good.

Boo-urns!

As expected, skydiving was postponed. It's amazing how many people are happy about this. There are so many dangerous things to do, yet people are worried about me hurling through the air towards the ground. Go figure. Needless to say, I am pretty disappointed.
Plus, my motivation is crashing. I've started on the downward spiral towards being lazy. I haven't even registered my car yet for the next year, and it's due tomorrow. I got to get my shit together, I can't keep letting people bring me down with their carelessness, selfishness and stupidity. It's starting to rub off.

Yup.

Definitely established that I will be content being alone since everyone that comes into my life is lame.
My cat is a perfect exemption...
And my lelo.

Free Fall.

So tomorrow, for my birthday, because I'm so intelligent, I am jumping out of an airplane. Unfortunately, it is supposed to be rainy and thunderstorms. I was told today that you can't get struck by lightning when you are free falling. What a relief!
....................
Anyways, it's going to be interesting. It's going to be a hard birthday present to beat!
The only problem with this whole idea, is that I have had a week to digest the fact that I will be jumping out of an airplane and hurling towards the earth voluntarily. That's not the problem though - since the weather is crap tomorrow, we have to call right before we leave. So tonight, I won't be sleeping, and thinking about my last day on earth. However, they may tell us tomorrow morning that the weather is too terrible to go, and it may be postponed. This would SUCK! I would have to re-digest this idea and go through the lack of sleep once again.
Eeek!
I will be wearing a diaper. I think a great business plan for a skydiving company would be to sell $5 diapers. They would make so much money!

On another note, I just wanted to discuss my last week of unemployment. In a nutshell, it was frikkin awesome. Ha, I'm also applying for unemployment for extra cash flow, so I don't think I will go going back to work any time soon.
Last week, I spend at least 20 hours total at Snug Harbour. I love that patio.
Thursday, I went out with Jon for dinner, and was spoiled with delicious Italian food in Oakville.
Friday, made a cheap dinner and went and strolled around Toronto, meanwhile stopping at Milestones in Dundas Square. Walked around Nathan Phillip Square and got Brandon to do some illegal activities. Muahahaha. Missed the subway, so had to take a bus alllllll the way back to Yonge and Finch. Brutal.
Saturday, made a delicious meal (only took 2 hours), packed a picnic and drove to Wasaga Beach. Took gin, tonic and limes, and Brandon was so fly that he went to Burger King and purchased (??) ice in cups so we could drink on the beach. 2 very strong drinks later we were both feeling pretty good! We had our picnic, debated staying in town and drove back to the city. Brandon was passed out beside me, lightweight. Ahem. Stopped by Milestones and had another drink and caught up with ian. What a wonderful person.
Sunday we went for breakfast (mmm studly) and met his family at the Yacht club and spent the day drinking, and boating around lovely, and clean Lake Ontario. Had dinner as the 13th wheel, and enjoyed my lamb and corn soup-esque meal. Drove home and relaxed until I passed out.
It turned out to be a pretty solid weekend.


On top of that, I found a sublet for my room.... excuse me for just a moment.
(YESSSSSSSSSSSS I'M FINALLY OUT OF BITCH CENTRAL WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) SCREW YOU DOUCHEBAGSSSSSS. I HOPE YOU GET DOUCHEBAGGED>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Urban Dictionary writes: DOUCHEBAG
Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker

Wikipedia writes: DOUCHEBAG
Douche usually refers to vaginal irrigation, the rinsing of the vagina, but it can also refer to the rinsing of any body cavity. A douche bag is a piece of equipment for douching—a bag for holding the fluid used in douching.

A combination of those 2 things, express the people I have been dealing with for the last several months (stupid and dirty), so as you can imagine, I am SO GLAD TO BE OUT WOOOOOOO.

That is all.
Birthday weekend!!!!!! So pumped.

Fine.

Someone has informed me recently that I have not updated this in a while. I looked, and it's been nearly 2 months. Ohhh, what has happened in the last 2 months? More valid, what has NOT happened in the last 2 months?
To sum up, I am getting screwed by people left right and center (not the good way).
You know those times in your life when everything seems to fall apart simultaneously? Well that is my life right now. The good part about this stupidity I face, is the fact that I have the money, the time (since I got fired today) and the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want.

I'll be going skydiving around my birthday next week, and I think plummeting towards the Earth with give me the perspective to make a solid plan. My life would be become incredibly straight-forward and easy if I die. As much as I dislike numerous people, and numerous situations I find myself in, I do not want to die. If I did, I would feel like I did not live life to its fullest. Maybe I will move to Australia or Europe for a year, maybe I will find a roommate and live in Toronto, maybe I will fall in love with a random person on the street and get married in Vegas. So many options! Maybe I will do all of the above.

I basically want to scream FUCK YOU to a half-dozen people, and poop on their windshield.

This is a blessing in disguise. I was informed that I am a confident person. And non-confident people are intimidated by confident people. But no, I WILL NOT be taken down to all of the half-dozen people's crappy-life-level, and will use my termination from my work and the kicking out of my apartment by the 2 biggest bitches I've ever met to IMPROVE my life. Because hell, I deserve better!

Cheers to picking yourself up and pooping on people's windshields!
*clink*!

Numero Four.

I just went and bought my FOURTH pair of Ray Bans over a year span. I think I have an addiction...

That's more than a months rent. :S

Love the new aviators though, so sweet.

Spring Cleaning.

Over the past 2 days, I have organized my entire life.
This includes:
Doing my taxes, travel insurance paperwork, auto insurance paperwork, packed 2 garbage bags full of clothes and misc. for donation, put up a shelving unit, cleaned bathroom, organized the entirety of my room, vacuumed, separated all paperwork into corresponding folders, cleaned all interior of my car, did laundry (!!) and actually folded them, oh and I dyed my hair.
It has been a very busy couple of days, but I feel really accomplished. Its amazing what you can do when you set your mind to it. It is actually kind of sad though when I think about it... Only took 2 days to do everything. I guess I didn't really have that much important stuff to do.
Oh well, back to work. Its been very nice having a full 48hrs off.
Looking forward to my next mini-holiday this weekend :)

Pretty Kitty.

So I just got home from a night out and looked at my gorgeous cat. I looked up other Lynx Point Himalayan cats, and they are really ugly (in a cute way). Madi is just gorgeous. Just wanted to note how lucky I was to find such a precious little fluff ball. Plus, how many cats do you know that play fetch and has a foot fetish? Seriously.

Madi, I am shaving you this summer.

spring.

I left Canada to enjoy nice summer weather.
Unfortunately, the weather was crap there.
Fortunately, the weather today is absolutely beautiful. I am presently enjoying a ham sandwich sitting on my make-shift chair on my balcony. I brought a sweater out with me, and immediately removed it. I am just wearing my work uniform, which is just pants and a t-shirt. I regret going back to work in an hour because I could have a nap listening to music in a snap. The chocolate on my cookies are actually melting.

I wouldn't mind being in Guelph right now, driving down random streets listening to music with the windows down. Or sitting in the backyard with my old roommates pretending to study. I love summer, so happy winter is over!


On second thought, maybe I will have a 20 minute nap...

Mini-cap.

A few highlights of Thailand... in photo-form to make life easier.
(Stealing some photos from other people, thanks!)

Tour of Buddhist temples --







Tuk Tuks driving --



Sheesha Smoking --



Jenga Playing --



Temperature --



Elephant Riding and Washing --









Seven-Tier Waterfall --





Tiger Temple --





Cave Exploring --



River Tubing --



Storms --



Beauty of the Lake --



Lakehouse --



Carrot Game --



Crazy Ferry Rides --



Longboat Rides --





Full Moon Party --





Rock Climbing --



ABC Party --





Siam Ocean World --



Culture --







Learning Thai Language --



Eating Scorpion --



A Great Group --



And A Great Roommate --










I thought doing photos instead would be faster, but it still took about 3 hours to finish that. Hope you enjoy!
Unfortunately, the beauty can never quite be fully understood through a photo. Thailand is definitely a beautiful country, however it does help me appreciate the beauty that Canada holds as well.

Glad to be home.

Back.

Got back from Thailand on Saturday. I took a few days to re-orient myself with my life, but it's already back to stress, and responsibility. Ughhhh. I haven't even started work yet! So much stuff to do. Is it terrible that I am looking forward to going back to work? Mostly because I saw my fav people last night, and I realized how much I miss the people I work with.

I will probably give a run down of my trip to Thailand eventually, but not yet.

I read A Game of Thrones while I was away, and I just saw a preview for the HBO series of it starting April 17. Seems that I will be adding another TV show to the already long list of shows I presently watch.





Sidenote: Watching the news right now, and they are going to dig up the remains of a woman thought to be the woman in the Mona Lisa painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. This is pretty interesting. It seems that they found her through a convent. She was a nun? Kind of fits with the whole pure, beauty thing.

Reminder.

I was reminded today that people may actually read this occasionally, and that I should update things that are going on with me. First and foremost, I AM LEAVING FOR THAILAND TOMORROWWWWWWW!!! I just spend 4 hours running errands (since I leave everything to the last minute). I only have to pack. Holy S*** it's so close!!!! I will not be getting any sleep tonight because of butterflies dancing the night away in my belly.
side note: please please please have my bag delivered to me both ways... this is my worst fear.

Other than that, there are some other exciting things to update. I left BP yesterday after work and was like SEE YOU IN A MONTH BITCHESSSSS. Man it felt so nice to know that I don't have to go to work for an entire month. Who knows, I may be convinced to stay in Asia for some extra traveling. I would prefer to be rich and experienced than broke and unexperienced. I just read that over, and it is so obvious, but I'm incredibly lucky to be the first option.

That draws back to another exciting thing that happened a couple weeks ago, I GRADUATED. After 4 1/2 years of hard work (kind of) and dedication (kind of), I walked out of War Memorial with a $60,000 piece of paper. It definitely feels good. Unfortunately, I heard from my program I applied to for the fall and was waitlisted. I still have faith that I will be getting in, but I may not find out until July. Eek.

Finally, last week Greg and I went to Montreal. Other than getting pulled over after crossing the border (damn frenchies) and getting a $500.00 ticket, the trip was good. The weather was freezing, but we went to O'Noir. I have been dying to go for a while, and it was definitely the highlight of the mini-holiday. It's a restaurant that you eat in complete darkness because you are being served by the blind. So FRIKKIN cool. We were eating with our hands since we obviously couldn't see the food itself. I recommend getting the SURPRISE meals, because you have to figure out what it is based on taste alone. SO COOL! We also did some shopping, drank at a couple neat cafes and drank Italian hot chocolates -- and walked around Old Montreal and toured Notre Dame. I snuck upstairs where I wasn't allowed in a church because I am so rebellious like that. We went to the Museum of Contemporary Art and argued about the color blue until Greg stopped talking to me, lol. He didn't think it was very funny. I think I won the debate. (I know you are rolling your eyes right now).

Now I have to pack away a month worth of stuff. I am not looking forward to the flight(s), but should be entertaining with the people I am going with. I hope to have a unreal time. I actually know I am going to have an unreal time. I have gone tanning the last couple days, and I CANNOT wait to be in summer weather again. Unfortunately, it is actually summer there which means it will be around 45C everyday with the humidex. Yeehaw.

Internet costs about a dollar an hour there, so I may leave quick updates during my trip. But I plan on writing all the cool things that happen everyday so I can come back and write about them for the world to see. The question now arises where I am going next... if I don't get into school, maybe Australia for a couple years???

PEACE OUTTTTTTT!!

Thought.

We only run from things that only truly scare us.

Baha.

You are amazing.

I Blame You.

I really needed to fill up my tank of gas today, but I figured I still had a few KMs left. Since I am just so amazing, I took Greg out for dinner to The Keg. Further because I am so amazing, I drove there after I said that it would be better if he drove because I was so low on gas (gas light on for 2 days). However, "it's only 1Km there and back", so I drove "there and back" and dropped him off at Sheridan. On my way out of Sheridan, right at Trafalgar, my car started to go putt putt and putted out in the middle of 2 lanes. C'est la vie. Talk about karma... and you just stood there and silently laughed at me. puhhh.
Anyways good thing I asked for a CAA membership for Christmas, because they were the first people I called... That was the most expensive tank of gas so far - $70.02. Brutal.
I know you will never let me live this one down. However, you were the one pushing the car out of the way, hahahaaaaaaaaaa. Sucker.

Ow.

Not only do I think I am getting sick, I have a gigantic headache. On top of that, I went snowboarding for the first time in at least 4 years yesterday. I did pretty good, but all my muscles are sore. I am a total granny today.
On the bright side, I will fit right in - BINGO tonight!

Facebook.

I had a dream about you last night that reminded me that you actually existed at one point. Then today your ad popped up in my facebook and I shuttered and puked a little in my mouth.

Good Lyrics.

"Your body is like paradise, and I need a vacation."
Bahahahaha.

Ohhhh Britney Spears.





Bingo tomorrow!!!

Yum.

After a stupid day, Bernard Callebaut chocolates make me feel so much better. I think the mix of my favorite chocolates and the endorphins are a delightful combination of happiness for me.

:)

127 Hours.

Whoa.

b-i-n-g-o.

To many people's horrors, I went and played bingo tonight at a bingo hall. I used to go more frequently when I was younger, but it was just as fun as I remember. There are many strange people, which is why I think I fit in so well.
Something very irritating happened - I WAS ONE NUMBER AWAY. Not just any number, but the NEXT number that would have been called. Damn B3. One number too late. I'm not sure how much money I would've won, but who cares? It would have been super cool since I lost a couple hundred at Casino Niagara last week. I'm going to try and make bingo a weekly event. It really is quite lame AND thrilling. For 20 bucks for almost 3 hours, it's pretty cool (for some people).

Don't knock it until you try it.

Today was pretty nice though. Not only was it my day off, I actually went out and did stuff. Greg and I went up to Elora to check out some stores and the gorge, but unfortunately most of the stores were closed, especially the one antique store I really wanted to see. I tried to learn how to do doughnuts in a parking lot, but I need to work on it a little more, I think.I even spent time with my family catching up. To make it even better, I found FOUR pairs of my sunglasses at their place. No sign of my Raybans still!! I really hope I didn't lose them.


Overall, pretty solid day minus one detail. I got Timmies for lunch and they were incredibly short on the butter. It was like eating hard toast, and it chipped off my retainer on the back of my teeth. Now it is sharp rubbing against my tongue. Grrr... more money to spend!

Sidenote: my cat is the cutest and stupidest thing I've ever seen. She is soooo pretty. It's a good thing her name is Madonna because she loveeeeees feathers.

Thailand.

O.m.g. Just booked my 3 1/2 week vacation to Thailand in March! I cannot believe that after 2 years of wanting to go, I am finally leaving in just over 2 months! Soooo incredibly excited!

Cannot wait to ride elephants and lose my pasty white glow.