It is now Thursday.
The beginning of spring has come and passed.
I had a wonderful weekend, saw some people I hadn't seen in a while and also had a lot of fun.
However, something happened on Sunday. It's nothing I can attribute to a certain event, but ever since then I have crumbled. The spark that was alive for the weekend and weekend only, has now completely burnt out.
Other than working when I have to, I have not left my house. I have not conversed with anyone except when I have no choice at work. I have not texted, called, messaged, or seen anyone all week. My days have been made up of 15-20 hours of sleep (lesser scale when I'm working) and I only get out of bed because I feel like I have to eat or pee. I know after this post, there will be a couple people that will take this as a cry for help and reach out to me. But I sincerely hope they don't.
I was told last night at work that I need to be more vocal and "cheekily playful". A phrase that many people would have called me before. However, the unemotional person has completely transformed into the disconnected person, filled with negative thoughts and lack of hope for the future.
What is the point of living a dull, painful existence? I look at pictures of myself on my wall and think back to when I was younger, optimistic and life-loving. I want to rip them off the walls, not for the first time. I keep buying myself lavish things in hope that they will make me feel better, but of course, they have not.
I think the scariest part about being like this is the realization that if anything happened to me this week, no one would've even noticed. What a bleak existence. Who should live in a world where no one cares? Who should live in a world where they don't care about themselves or others?
Sure, I should probably talk to someone, anyone about how I'm feeling. But I don't care about others so why expect them to care about me? That's just ridiculous. Oh oh oh, maybe ill just pay someone to care. Maybe that will help.
Nope, not interested.
What are you supposed to do without family or friends, direction or compassion?
When do you just roll over and give up?
