Scar.

This scar will be a reminder of what it means to lose yourself over someone who does not love you or respect you.

And how truly desperate it makes you feel.

November will hopefully be the start of getting "me" back - the little brunette firecracker that doesn't take shit from anyone. I miss her a lot lately and am ashamed of what she has become.

The truth

You are an empty soul
You have no personality
You are just someone for sex
You are ugly
You are sad
You make life less exciting
You bring everyone down
No one wants to be around you
You have no one
You have a fake future
You can count the people that would miss you on one hand
You will always be second pick
You let people walk all over you
You are just like your mother

You have nothing .

Life is just not worth the fight

Changes.

So. I have been up all night.
I basically spent the last few hours designing my new bedroom and living room. I've lived in my apartment for the last year, and figured it was time to make it homie - my home. I have planned it all out so I can do everything for under $200 (and thats being generous) for a complete makeover. With the help of my friends (ahem) and prepaid credit cards from my work, it will be easy to do and actually only cost me a matter of dollars. It's amazing what you can accomplish on a budget and from things you already have! I'm using my creativity and skills to create art, make furniture and use all the space in my apartment. Electronically, I will need some serious upgrades, but that will come when I'm working more.

In the meantime, I'm getting rid of a lot of furniture that I do not foresee myself ever using. I want to have my own stuff and have it be nice stuff. Emphasis on the nice.

I'm really excited and can't wait to get started tomorrow!
Maybe I should get some sleep first.

Gamble.

I am the Madonna of the unloved.

They say lucky at cards, unlucky in love. I've been lucky at cards my whole life.

I always thought the person that could play me "Comptine D'Un Autre Ete" perfectly would be the one I grow old with. Alas, no one I've met can play the piano and has never has taken the time to perfect it.
Perhaps someday.

Podcasts.

I have recently been getting involved with podcasts. They are great for pursuing an interest of yours - and is great listening while you're driving.

Since relationships have always been an interest of mine (not necessarily being in one) but the dynamics, I found a great podcast called "My Picker is Broken". It's about people's bad decisions when it comes to relationships and the stupidity people let fly.

Some people have it really bad - and date some really sick weirdos.

I wish I could learn more from these types of stories, and apply them to my relationships so they weren't so disastrous. Unfortunately I can handle other people's problems, just not my own.

The people in these podcasts date crazies - my problem is that I'm too nice. I give people too many chances because I have a hopeless romantic side and believe in soulmates.

...

Or maybe my picker is as broken as everyone else's.

Moving on.

Gifts - hidden
Private photos - deleted
Photos on phone - deleted
Videos - deleted
Texts - deleted
Proof of phone calls - deleted
Contact info - deleted

Voicemail - not deleted
Maybe I'll have the courage in a couple days.

Memories - not deleted
These will slowly slip away with time, I have a bad memory anyways.

I hope this is the last post about heartbreak I will write. Knowing myself it probably won't be - I'm not holding my breath.

Here's to hoping anyways and more fulfilling life moments.

Crashing.

I wish I were confident.
I feel so ugly and boring.

I miss me, I wonder if she will ever come back.

Bam bam.

The constant feel of rejection is really starting to weigh on me. My confidence goes up for a bit then smashes back down.

Shooting guns today definitely made me feel better, temporarily.

What am I going to do with myself?

I will not become the stepping stone, I won't let that happen. I am the girl you would be lucky to end up with.

.

Tonight is one of those nights I wish that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Exciting!

Oh man, i saw that there is a new Aren't We Naughty OUTLET STORE opening near my place. I know what I'm doing tomorrow! Getting rid of some stuff and replacing it with new, fun and exciting things.

Oh oh oh! Sex convention this month. Seems like its going to be a sexier month than I originally planned.

I also discovered that I much prefer the sound of "Katy" over "Kathryn" during intimate moments. Kathryn makes me sound old and I don't want to feel old during those things. Definitely going back to Katy for the time being. I want to feel like myself again, and feel 25 - not 45. I do not have my shit figured out and I'm okay with that. There is plenty of time to grow up.

Negativity.

Apparently I seem "down" so to appease everyone, I thought I would write about something positive.

I just got back from my first orientation at Jacks and I have to say I'm looking forward to working at a place that wearing your hair down is mandatory, lulu lemons are uniform and i had to draw and sing during the interview.

I still get the rest of the week to relax and have a second go at Oktoberfest this weekend. I enjoy dressing up - it's a time when I can become someone else.

Quick nap then off for dinner and a movie date.

Ruined.

I hope to be a believer again someday.

I look forward to feeling alive.

I have a feeling it's going to be a very difficult winter.

everything you want.

The next time I sing karaoke, I'm going to sing this song.
Honestly, I'm so glad I grew up in the 90s.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say 

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why 

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for 

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return 


He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why 

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

Oktoberfestivus.

I'm getting excited - Oktoberfest tonight!
This year I had a little more time to plan, so I actually have a costume. Oh man, it's going to be awesome. It may be freakishly cold tonight, but that's okay! I will be all liquored up and in a great mood. I enjoy celebrating the culture of some of the most beautiful people in the world AND I get to celebrate the last day at my job AND do the chicken dance better than the rest. Then I'm doing it all over again next weekend. It's going to be an awesome week off.

I just hope my headache goes away, it's very annoying and don't want it to wreck my excitement. I have already taken two advil.

Only one more hour until FREEDOM!
It will be a good feeling walking out of here today. I get to sleep in for a week, and it's turkey day tomorrow. I'm actually in the mood for turkey this year. Especially lathered in homemade cranberry sauce.. mmm...

Speaking of food, I am so hungry I am going to DEVOUR them Oktoberfest Sausages tonight. They will fill me up real nice :)

Funny.

During my procrastination when I came into work today (3 days left), I found this wonderfully clever photo and I think it describes what people think of me in the workplace... Just kidding. But I did think it was funny and almost choked on my cereal.

Gah, today is going to be a boring day. I can feel it.

Quebec.

I hate it here so much. I even got in trouble for having my feet up. Sorry fuckers, I've been up since 4am and I'm pretty fucking tired.

I think if I was able to have sex in the court room where I was fighting my tickets, it would be more than ample justice against this situation and I would gladly pay my tickets.