You are my stressor. I have never wanted to go get a pack of cigarettes in my life, yet tonight it is all I am craving to lower my heart beating out of my chest. I feel like your mom, worrying about you, suspicious of you, waiting on your every need. I haven't even been able to sleep, hence why I am writing this at 5:00am. The week you were gone was the best sleeps and least stressful days I have had in a while, even through the homelessness spell. I still slept easy. I don't like who I am becoming. I am not strong enough to hold your head above water, as well as mine. I feel like I'm drowning and quickly becoming weak. I have spent a lot of time over the years trying to be the strong rock I am meant to be, and lately I am waning. I hate it. I'm tired. I want a break. I want me back, and not the person you have made me into. I have been told I am an amazing person, and I feel like I am. However, I feel like garbage, just waiting for things to go wrong again. I want a healthy relationship, not one that tears me apart from the inside out.
I want me again. And I definitely do not want to be one of those people that need disgusting vices to get through things. I've been drinking a lot, but smoking? That's a new time low for me.
Ah, then you walk in. Its 5:00am. I am not mad, just tired. On numerous levels. I go into another room. My heart slows down and I can relax. Peace for a few hours until we do it all again tomorrow.
