In the car, I was listening to the song "Written in the Stars" by Tinie Tempah, but wasn't really listening to the lyrics at all. I went off into my own little world and started to think of whether I believe in this idea. I would like to think that I am responsible for my actions and decisions, determining my own fate. However, there is something appealing about the fact that there is a greater power that is watching me follow the path I was "meant" for. Would I want to know my fate, and how it plays out? Probably not. I would, however, like to know if I ever end up getting married, or the off chance of me having kids. Because I think that these things would give me motivation to be a better person. It would be interesting to know if I ever learn to put someone else first, and my selfishness second. Because as of right now, I'm not very good at that.
When I was in high school, I always thought that 25 was realllly old, and a perfect age to get married. This was the "right" age to do this, because it seemed so far away. I don't think I began to realize how ridiculous this idea was until I turned 24. Crap. That's less than a year away. I think it is amazing when people fall in love early and stay together forever. But really, how viable of an idea is this now? Maybe this stems on the fact that I am an incredibly selfish person, not being about to imagine myself with someone for the ever. I guess this is where it would be nice to see myself in 10 years. I think I have the capacity to commit to someone for my entire life, but that idea is pretty scary. I don't even think it's the commitment thing that freaks me out the most, it's the idea that I could find someone I could actually enjoy being with and visa versa (I've heard it's difficult) for the rest of my days. Marriage still seems so final, and I am definitely not mature enough to be thinking about this yet. This is probably the reason why I have sabotaged the majority of my relationships - I am just slower on the commitment uptake than most people.
So why am I writing this? I guess it is because I like to think that it is all worth while. I look back on a lot of relationships and think "what a waste of time", and "what did I learn from this"? I don't want to keep bouncing through relationships just to learn what I don't want. I think I have a pretty solid understanding of what I want in a relationship. The tricky part is finding someone that is right for me, and crossing my fingers that I could be right for someone else.
Sidenote> What a day for my AC to stop working in my car. Seriously. Reportedly the hottest day in Toronto history, my AC doesn't work. My karma is not looking so good right now. What did I do!
