24/7.

I wish my body enabled me to work 24/7, so I didn't have to think about things and feel. I'm fine when I'm at work, but reminded when I'm not.
I guess I need to start working more than 50 hours because its still not distracting enough.
I want to run.
Why does it have to be so hard?

Purge.

Who is this?
Ugh, creepy person.
Definitely never speaking to again.
We were never even friends.
I never noticed this person before.


These were some of my mental responses to the people I had on my Facebook account. I decided that I was tired of reading about people I did not care about, so did a huge purge - a 300 person purge. Meanwhile, I could have purged at least another 50-100 but left them on for now. These people were either from high school in Calgary, high school in Oakville, elementary school (come on), and university people I was friends with when I went out every night or worked with.

I basically asked myself "if I was walking down the street, would I stop to have a conversation with this person or avoid eye contact". My response was usually the latter of the two.

I have been reading about the research done on Facebook and how if you are an avid Facebook looker, you have higher chance of having depression and anxiety. You see other people having a great ol' time or moving through life at a different pace and it can be depressing. I get it. So I figured if there are way less people on my account, there will be less updates- this leading to me being on Facebook even less than I am now and happy happy happy! Okay, maybe not. But I still feel better about it.

I recommend this to anyone with more than 500 "friends". No one has 500 real friends, or at least I sure don't. You may ask "why don't you just delete Facebook"? The answer is simple, it was made for networking, and I would still like to keep in contact with these people. Maybe they are not people that I am best buds with, but they are people I could message or go for coffee with.

Anyways. I guess I should get back to work. It's been pretty lax and I have been training a new guy at the shop. He is a little strange and asked me to take photos of him without his shirt on (in the most platonic way possible) but it was still weird after only knowing him for 2 days. We all think he may be gay. Oh, and he calls me "Kat" like "cat (meow)" and I hate it, but don't have the heart to tell him to piss off. Nicknames after 2 days? Definitely gay.

Yes, he has a long term girlfriend. Go figure.

Geez, and now it's blue sky?! Are you kidding me. OF COURSE it was a blizzard with 5 accidents on the way this morning.

Sushi.

I got to go to my favourite sushi place last night for the first time in a while. Many people ask what it's called, but I consider it a gem when it comes to interactive dining. If you would like to know, then I will be going with you. Otherwise it is a secret only few know.
It even attracted famous people there last night so I knew I was dining at a cool place that offers valet parking.

The weather makes me feel like I am living in British Columbia with warm temperatures and rain. I actually didn't mind getting caught in the rain last night, it just made it more eventful.

It was another evening with a surprise at the end, one that truly surprised. I never thought of this for something to do, but it was fun, competitive, glowed in the dark, and offered drinks! I never thought of ping pong as a trendy activity or a place to meet a mate, however I found out that it is both of these things (not that i went there for either of these reasons). I'm actually not that bad at it either.

All in all, it was a good night. I even bought some legit cowboy boots for myself. It's quite nice being back in the city because there are so many things to do! I half wished I lived in the city, but when I'm not in the city, I'm glad I live where I do.

I guess because I was relaxed last night and having good ol' fashioned fun, I slept like a baby for the first time in a couple weeks. I look forward to relaxing at home tonight and going to sleep early.

Life is simple and good.

Home Time.

Today has been annoying, basically starting as soon as I walked out the door this morning. Terrible driving conditions, milk spilt all over my clothes and lunch, more botched travel plans, chill that lasted until 830pm, then almost being stood up.
Needless to say I was a little on edge.

However, playing on playgrounds at night and snowball fights did make up for it.

Plus I got to come home to this:
My frown got turned upside down.
Stink eye always makes me smile.

High maintenance.

A month ago I decided that I wasn't going to be one to let people hold me back this year, that I would do what I wanted when I wanted to do it.
However it seems that whenever I think of incorporating someone else in my plans things do not work out. I'm not sure if I am one just to do things differently, or if I'm just meant to do things alone. I have had numerous plans that have fallen through already.
I'm not sure what to do, except plan things out alone. That way people don't disappoint me and I don't need to reminded that I live life a little more carelessly than most.
Maybe I just hang out with the wrong people.

Tobogganing was fun even though it was freezing. It's one of the few winter activities I actually enjoy. I was acting like a little girl again.

Making decisions.

I'm feeling a little low tonight. There are some memories and situations you cannot erase in life. They seem to present themselves from time to time as a reminder of errors and lapses in judgement, and of course a different time and place in life.
I don't usually think about these things on a daily basis- perhaps I'm trying to be ignorant to my own decisions. But when I do think of them, I really question who I was and what I was doing when I made these decisions.
Do you ever really know when you've made the right decision?
I'm having a hard time with this question. Especially when I am still conflicted after the amount of time that has passed.
Not sure what to do.

Barf. Shit. Gag.

I love (great) sex, don't get me wrong. Everyone that knows me knows that. However, I really hate hearing people do it. My roommates boyfriend has basically moved in (without letting me know) and I'm tired of hearing their (pathetic) 2 minute sex sessions through my wall. Seriously? I'm rarely home. You have the place to yourself almost all the time. Why is it that the second I go in my room, I have to hear it? I'm rather tempted to hook up my stereo to my computer and watch disgusting videos of shitting, barfing and gagging at the top volume while they do it so they get the hint. Hey, it may help him get some stamina.
Not sure if that's the bitchy thing to do, or if it would be ridiculously funny.

I just want to have a nap in peace.

I'm living alone next time.

Date.

Tomorrow will be a day to test myself. I wish the emotional scars of the past year did not run so deep. Unfortunately most scars stay visible for a very long time, if not forever. I have been happier lately - my confidence is slowly on the rise with a new haircut and clothes, but I still have some weaker days when I want to go back. Back to a time when I was happy being in love. I'm not referring to any time in particular or with anyone. Just the feeling of being in love, the honeymoon phase when all you need is them.
Tomorrow is the first night where someone has planned it all out as a surprise in a very long time. A first date. I feel excited and giddy, however it also makes me sad that the past will continue to become more hidden away. Those specific memories will lapse and not matter. I'm still battling if I am even ready to bury the times I still hold so close to my heart. I have consumed myself with these memories over the last week, all the times that were oh so different, I was in control. Only a couple more days this week of being back in my favourite area, which holds so many thoughts and feelings. I will have to let go.
At the end of the month when I am finished working, I will have some wings at Duffs, and finally say goodbye to everything that was, and never will be.

Relaxation. With a hint of annoyance.

Definitely going to sleep in, watch movies and do absolutely nothing tomorrow on my day off. Then get to do it all over again next week working downtown.

I think the world is mocking me, I have heard way too many people having sex over the past few days. Are you trying to rub it in, world? Because its working. I really hope I don't sound as awful as the people I have heard. :s walking down my hall? Really? It's been a long day. I'm so happy ( and jealous ) you are having sex on the kitchen table right by the door, but I don't need to hear the "sexy talk" as well - it grosses me out.

I was going to take an audio video of it because it was SO loud, but thought the was creepy and didn't want it on my phone if it wasn't me doing it.

Friday night.

Today has been a crap day. I didn't want to wake up so I was an hour late for work, I slept on my break and went straight to bed when I got home.
It's one of those days that I wish I could disappear. I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that I stop wanting things that I can't have.
I wish I had someone crazy about me to get my mind off of this.

Nervous.

I just completed the package for my application to school and I am super nervous. I had done half of it on the weekend, but today I had to finish references and CV. I must admit I do look pretty good on paper however I'm not as confident as I was last time I applied.
Life never seems to slow down for a moment, it goes quicker. After I got that email yesterday, it reminded me that my future is coming if I'm ready for it or not. After tomorrow, it will become a waiting-and-hoping-for-the-best kind of situation. Then after next week, it may change my life completely. I'm reaching pretty high but I'm still going to try.

As Dorie says, just keep swimming.

On a different note, it's weird being back at work. And a little déjà vu back to when I worked at a cafe and lived downtown. It's kind of nice being off my feet too, my back is starting to cause me pain again. Fingers crossed I don't get any tickets!

I don't have anything to complain about right now. Life is on the up.

:)

What a wonderful day.
Couldn't have asked for more.
Going to sleep happy, and I get to work in my favourite area for the next 3 days.
Ill write about it tomorrow while I'm procrastinating at work.

Urg.

Not being able to sleep has become a normal routine as of late, but it doesn't mean it's not annoying. I hate being wide awake, especially going into my first day off in what feels likes forever.
I don't really have anything weighing on my conscious, so I'm not sure what the deal is. Maybe it's because I didn't get out of bed until 4pm yesterday.
Eh, who knows. I would just like to get some sleep so I'm not exhausted tomorrow. Should be a good day.

Maybe I'll try to sleep in a position to have sexy dreams. That would make my sleeps much more enjoyable. At least dreaming me would have some sexy time.
Or maybe I'll hug a pillow.

Shh.

This week's postsecret was good to read.

www.postsecret.com

A spoonful of perspective a week.

Italy and Beyond.

Watching Under the Tuscan Sun always makes me cry. Not because it is sad, but because it moves me. For those who haven't seen it, it's based in Tuscany and the landscapes are absolutely beautiful.

The reason why I love this movie goes beyond the landscapes and country I so desperately want to see, it reminds me how you can change your life anytime you want. New beginnings.

A couple of my favourite quotes from the movie:

"I think you're in danger of never recovering.
You know when you come across one of those empty-shell people, and think 'what the hell happened to you'?
Well there came a time in each one of their lives where they were at a crossroads.
Someplace where they had to decide to turn left or right.
This is no time to be a chickenshit."

Life goes on.
Life never has to be different than what you want it to be. Take a chance.

"You're so boring! What? I said you're boring. Look at you. You're sad! Again! You're like a big black hole.
Fefe said 'regrets are a waste of time. They're past crippling you in the present'.
How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing?
Listen, when I was a little girl, I would spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I would just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."

Be patient, good things come to those who wait.

I really need to get away... And maybe I'll just watch this everyday until I do it.
Or maybe I'll do what I did a couple years ago and start looking at villas online again. Now that would be a dream come true.

Forever 21.

I walked through Forever 21 today and was reminded of the last time I was in that store. It was in Time Square and I was definitely acting like a 21-year-old and being a little rebellious.
Today I felt a little awkward. Instead of the rebellious youngen I was then, I realized how different things are, less than a year later.
I guess it will remain in my memory.
I hope to get back to my younger mentality soon. This is a little depressing.

On a separate note, I wish I could marry Timothy Olyphant, just so I can have his last name.

Delivery.

Even though I worked all weekend, it was quite eventful nonetheless.
But I have thoroughly enjoyed my day off lounging in front of my new tv. It's the relaxation I needed.
It's amazing how quickly some things can change, whether you want them to or not.

2012 was definitely not the greatest, and probably closer to the worst. My only New Years resolution is that I get control of my life- buy the things I want, do the things I want, go where I want- it doesn't take much for me to be happy. We shall see what happens.