Sigh of Relief.

After 11 days of unknown, Madi is back. My little quadruple-pounder (that's four pounds for whoever can't figure that out) beef patty has returned to me on one piece. Sure, she may be a little smaller than 11 days ago, but definitely seems happy to be home. I have to give all the credit to everyone else that helped me with the hunt. It wasn't easy since Guelph is an hour each way. But I have to say that Brandon does love my cat as much as I do, even when he says he hates cats. A common feeling we share, but Madi really is the exception. Madi definitely had quite the adventure, but so did Brandon chasing her around - barefoot.

He really is my hero in slightly tarnished armor.
Our little family has its heart back.

And fur. Wow.




Always have to remember that things work out... and karma does have its way of coming around.

Terms.

Patience

Something I seriously lack.

Faith

Something I have plenty of.

I am having a difficult time understanding how I can have faith, but minimal patience. I feel like they should go hand in hand. Where does the line blur together? I am currently sitting in Guelph on the faith that my cat is nearby. However, at the same time, I am really wanting a nap. Maybe I know deep down that patience only goes so far, and faith takes over.

This idea translates to all situations in life. I think it all boils down to knowing deep down that I get what I want, when I want it. When something doesn't go exactly how I plan, I bail and hope that others will do the work I am not willing to do anymore. I think that I have faith that I will get what I want, so patience does not really come into play. It doesn't matter how long I wait, things usually work out.

I don't think this ramble makes very much sense. That's just me though, a lot of words, but not a lot of sense or meaning.

Stress.

You are my stressor. I have never wanted to go get a pack of cigarettes in my life, yet tonight it is all I am craving to lower my heart beating out of my chest. I feel like your mom, worrying about you, suspicious of you, waiting on your every need. I haven't even been able to sleep, hence why I am writing this at 5:00am. The week you were gone was the best sleeps and least stressful days I have had in a while, even through the homelessness spell. I still slept easy. I don't like who I am becoming. I am not strong enough to hold your head above water, as well as mine. I feel like I'm drowning and quickly becoming weak. I have spent a lot of time over the years trying to be the strong rock I am meant to be, and lately I am waning. I hate it. I'm tired. I want a break. I want me back, and not the person you have made me into. I have been told I am an amazing person, and I feel like I am. However, I feel like garbage, just waiting for things to go wrong again. I want a healthy relationship, not one that tears me apart from the inside out.

I want me again. And I definitely do not want to be one of those people that need disgusting vices to get through things. I've been drinking a lot, but smoking? That's a new time low for me.

Ah, then you walk in. Its 5:00am. I am not mad, just tired. On numerous levels. I go into another room. My heart slows down and I can relax. Peace for a few hours until we do it all again tomorrow.

All Over the Place.

Just thought I would write about my fantastic evening on Tuesday. It was Brandon's birthday on Wednesday, so we met a couple of his friends downtown at Hemmingways. Super cool bar, patio for days. There must have been at least 4 separate patios. We ended up sitting at the top. After 20 minutes deciding what we eat, we started drinking beer.... and more beer.... and one more pitcher after that. Apparently I can hold my liquor, but not my beer. I had the brilliant idea of bringing in Brandon's birthday at the strip club, and it was conveniently located down the street. We ended up at The Brass Rail, and had one more beer. Hina had the brilliant idea to having tequila shots. Hey, why not. FML. I'm not exactly sure how it all went, but the time seemed to go so quickly. I think I just wanted to get through it... I have a terrible memory, but unfortunately remember all of it. We hopped on a bus back to Brandon's and passed out on each other - then it hit me. That queasy, mouth watering, FML type of feeling. I told Brandon we had to get off, and instantly projectile vomited outside the bus. I'm not sure where we were at this point, but he went to get me water and hopped into a cab the rest of the way. Then of course, it hit me again. Out of the window I went, and puked all over the outside of the cab. I felt kind of bad, but at least it wasn't inside. I think I just left the cab without Brandon and started walking to his apartment. Made it up the elevator, and puked all over the carpet outside his front door. LOL. Omg so brutal. I've never been so sick in my life. I went straight to the shower and apparently stayed there for a half an hour. Brandon was lovely considering I started his birthday off memorable, and literally washed the vomit out of my hair. I am not sure what time I actually made it to bed, but I was out like a light. Woke up feeling like shit warmed up, and stayed in bed until at least 1:00pm. I have only ever felt that rough one other time, and that was in Costa Rica. Needless to say, I didn't drink at all on his birthday. Ate sushi, which was probably a terrible idea, but went to the Blink-182 concert, which turned out to be pretty alright.

Tonight I am relaxing, since I think this weekend is going to be pretty rough. Canada's Wonderland tomorrow... need to get Advil before we go.

Oh, and I was kind of disappointed in The Brass Rail.

Ignorance.

Ha, I just read my last post and laughed. Some things never change - luckily feelings do.

Remember.

I want to remember this moment, this feeling.

I am in the car with you driving and I am happy.

Weird.

The next house over has always been rented by students, but this summer a family has moved in. The little girls were singing to Justin Biebs, however they didn't know all the words, so they just sang the "baby, baby, baby ohhhh" on repeat. I can only imagine them dancing around during the parts they didn't know.
Now, it became weird when mommy came out. I stopped doing my makeup because her voice sounded identical to my mommy's. Of course, of course (!!!) One of the girls names were Kathryn that she was speaking to.

What a surreal week it has been.

Blood Suckers.

I am just plain ol' frustrated. I sat outside for an hour on Tuesday, and to my utter irritation, my feet were bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. I can handle mosquito bites, but when they are on my feet and I am trying to sleep.... @*&^@*&^!!! My feet are sensitive enough as it is. I even tried my little technique on fighting the itch, but it does not work on my feet apparently. It probably doesn't help that I play with my cat, that I am allergic to, then itch. It's just a double-whammy of itchiness.
On top of that stupidity, I have had absolutely no luck today looking at apartments. I am pretty sure I am going to be homeless, again, starting next week. F.M.L. Please please please help me find an apartment. <----- That wasn't exactly directed at anyone in particular, I just need a place to live.
On top of THAT stupidity, I am not getting my unemployment until September now. Wonderful... and that's if I still get it.

End of rant.

Solid day so far, I'm going back to sleep.

1800's.

I woke up at 6:30am after a pretty interesting dream. It was a dream where you want to keep dreaming, but for some reason your mind instantly turns on and there is no going back. Usually this only happens during sexy dreams... not this morning. It shows where my head is at.

They are preparing for a party.
People are setting up everywhere.
I am dressed in a long green dress that pushes my bosoms into my chin.
The gentleman beside me is dressed in a black and white penguin suit, curly hair and dark features.

It looks like a scene from Pride and Prejudice.

He is trying to woo me.
I am playing hard to get.
We are putting cutlery on the white tablecloths.
The tables seem to go on for miles.
The white tent is pitched in the middle of a green meadow surrounded with old trees swinging in the wind.

Then of course it ends. Before the meal, and the dancing. Damn it.
I guess it is better than the dream I woke up to yesterday morning, where I was chasing around a girl trying to kill her, and visa versa. In that dream, I threw her off a balcony.

Naughty.

I was just trying to find my lipchap in my purse and came across little Lelo. She must be so claustrophobic sitting in there. I think I should take her out and get her to stretch my, I mean, her, legs.
I always take care of things that take care of me.

I really do think I am pretty hilarious. Sometimes it is fun to talk in metaphors.


Ah, I figured it out. It is tuesday. Those who knows me well knows what this means. It all makes sense now.

Smiley face. A big one.

Quick Note.

I was incredibly unprepared to hear from you today, but I am so glad that I did. You are truly an amazing person, and make me feel better instantly. I hope I hear from you more often, I have missed your corny jokes and undeniably lovely compliments. It was just what I needed. I will be going to sleep feeling like today was a good day.

Surreal.

I walked into my old house yesterday with the feeling of regret. Not regret from the previous few months, but for returning to the comfort and security that this house brings. I lived in this house for three years (the longest consecutive time spent in a house my entire life) and have fond and devastating memories attached to it. Three years is a long time. I walked into my old room, knowing that it was someone else's. However, I wiggled my toes in the terrible fuchsia carpet that I was incredibly allergic to, put on the overhead fan that you would swear was going to fall off the ceiling at any moment, closed the black blinds covered in dust, and curled up in this strangers bed. I fell asleep to the sounds of traffic on the Hanlon and Kortright, and I have not had such a solid sleep in a very long time. I slept for almost ten hours without waking up. I am pretty sure I woke up in the same position as when I fell asleep.
I went to the washroom, hearing the memorable squeaks of the faucet, walked down the stairs, hearing every memorable creek of the weakness of the wood underneath and made tea and breakfast later than I should have. An act I would have done everyday I was a student with no job. I sat in front of a computer catching up on my tv shows, another act I would have done everyday I was a student with no job.
I had so much time to myself when I was at school. Almost all people I dated did not live in Guelph so I got to do my own thing the majority of the time. I am surprisingly content with being back here. Definitely not permanent, but comfortable for a few days. My cat fell right back at home, perched at the doorway of my old room as my security guard.
No one has been here, and I know once Lydia is back I am going to feel like a student again. Numerous people have called me a homebody because I spent a lot of my time at home with my friends - watching movies, having dinner together, talking about (my) notorious boy dramas, and being proud of each others accomplishments at school.
When I am away from Guelph, I feel so happy I got out. But I miss the quiet of my street (except during frosh and exams), jogs around the block, listening to music and reading notes on the bus to school, and walking everywhere because I did not need a car.
I guess I am just being sentimental and nostalgic. There are only a few situations in life that make me feel this way. Some get this feeling from thinking and being with people, but I mostly get it from places. A place is a specific instance where something occurred. I do associate certain people to certain places, but more so I associate security to certain places. This is numero uno.
I think I am just rambling, and my writing probably does not make much sense anymore.
I know one thing - by the end of my fourth year, I would find every excuse to leave Guelph and go to the city (almost every weekend). Now, I find myself feeling pretty great about leaving the city, and enjoying the quiet of Guelph.
Funny.

Decisions.

Idea - Decision Making.
Is it possible to make a decision and stick with it?

Fuck, I don't even know anymore. You would think that many decisions are straight-forward and self-explanatory. Hell, I am terrible at making decisions. I have been told many-a-times that I am indecisive. However, I am very decisive about the topics that matter, and the topics I care about. I usually do not care enough to argue about the minimal issues. Recently, someone has introduced me to a very understandable topic - opportunity cost. Well, this idea sums it all up. As a person who apparently lives by this rule, you are doing a terrible job at this argument. Shouldn't it be so obvious to you? It sure is obvious to me. Apparently in this situation, you don't give a fuck about the topic you live everyday by. You think you need back-ups and support, but guess what? I am the best of all worlds. If you are willing to throw it all away because of your lack of decision making, maybe you should revisit your opportunity cost idea. If you cannot figure this one out, it is never going to work.

On that note, I am changing my blog name. I don't think I believe that love conquers all anymore. I really don't know why I thought that way in the first place. Today, I hate being a hopeless romantic.