Insomnia.

I can't sleep and it's getting annoying. The last couple nights have been difficult. Not sure what it is caused from, but I'm really tired. I can't get comfortable, I'm overheating, my throat is itchy and I'm having weird dreams. Doesn't help that there is construction outside my window every morning.

I wish I could remember the last time I had a really amazing sleep. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in a cat free zone. Maybe I wouldn't look so tired all the time.

This post isn't really important, just want to put it out in the universe so that maybe it will change.

Now that I think about it, tonight I am sneezing and sniffling a lot. I think I'm having an allergic reaction to something in my room.
Great... As long as I'm not getting sick, I'm okay. I was looking forward to my weekend off.

Alert!

Hmm, I'm not one who enjoys being smothered. I'm a little worried.
More updates tomorrow, but hopefully not.
What ever happened to simple?

Micro scrubbers.

You know they say that you should listen to your body? It will tell you what's wrong?
Well, I was thinking about it today and realized that my body is doing just that, but in a positive light.

Let me explain.

My skin is the clearest it has been in as long as I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I never had intensely problematic skin but it was not perfect. I had a use for cover up. I realize this was part genetic, but also very stress based. Some of the times my skin was at its worst was when I was unhappy.
Now, I'm not sure if I am less stressed, or maybe my body is trying to tell me something but my skin is basically flawless.
A metaphor. I do love my metaphors.

A clear mind, clear skin.
Clear skin, clear life and purpose.

May sound silly, but it gives me hope. Hope of a better tomorrow. Also, helps me not worry about the things that are not in my control.

Ringing.

It's been an interesting and eventful weekend. For those religious folk out there, it's Palm Sunday ( whatever that means ).
However, I ended up at Uniun night club. With Vanilla Ice.
Lol.
I can't remember the last time I was at a club dancing until my makeup was gone. It was quite fun acting like a retard to electronic and dub step. I do admit I felt a little out of place at first, but knowing promotional guys who hook you up with free drinks gets you comfortable pretty fast.
I haven't danced like that for a while. I usually care what people think when I'm dancing, but tonight, I didn't give a shit. I enjoyed myself. There is a certain appreciation I have for that type of music- it's not something you dance with people, you dance like a crazy person alone.

Only downside, the ringing in your ears when you're trying to sleep after.
Blows.

Oh, and waking up early on a Monday to go to work? Doesn't happen in my life anymore.... Oh the life of a server. How fun and irresponsible. Who needs to grow up when you have money and adventures?

Pow.

Some mediocre evenings turn into great nights.

I've been pretty down all week, but sometimes it's just temporary. I realized that I shouldn't be focused on the past, and enjoy my time in the present where people do want to spend time with me. I actually have a good time making other laugh from my stupidity and sharing insight on life. People sharing their secrets. I think people actually listen and trust me. Maybe it's just me. But I would like to think that it's true.

I actually was crying- laughing today for the first time in a long while, and did make someone wear a penis on their forehead.

Doesn't hurt that girls keep asking me if I work out.. Apparently I have an above average figure. That's pretty complimentary. It must be the white jeans and red lipstick, they does make me feel pretty awesome.
Also, free drinks = positive.
Learning to drink more quantity of beer = positive.

And no, for the record, when you hit on someone, it is not nice to start with "you remind me a lot of my FIRST wife..." ( did make me laugh though).

Sometimes you just need to open your eyes and move forward. Remember the memories, love what it was and move on.

Thursday.

It is now Thursday.
The beginning of spring has come and passed.

I had a wonderful weekend, saw some people I hadn't seen in a while and also had a lot of fun.

However, something happened on Sunday. It's nothing I can attribute to a certain event, but ever since then I have crumbled. The spark that was alive for the weekend and weekend only, has now completely burnt out.
Other than working when I have to, I have not left my house. I have not conversed with anyone except when I have no choice at work. I have not texted, called, messaged, or seen anyone all week. My days have been made up of 15-20 hours of sleep (lesser scale when I'm working) and I only get out of bed because I feel like I have to eat or pee. I know after this post, there will be a couple people that will take this as a cry for help and reach out to me. But I sincerely hope they don't.
I was told last night at work that I need to be more vocal and "cheekily playful". A phrase that many people would have called me before. However, the unemotional person has completely transformed into the disconnected person, filled with negative thoughts and lack of hope for the future.
What is the point of living a dull, painful existence? I look at pictures of myself on my wall and think back to when I was younger, optimistic and life-loving. I want to rip them off the walls, not for the first time. I keep buying myself lavish things in hope that they will make me feel better, but of course, they have not.

I think the scariest part about being like this is the realization that if anything happened to me this week, no one would've even noticed. What a bleak existence. Who should live in a world where no one cares? Who should live in a world where they don't care about themselves or others?

Sure, I should probably talk to someone, anyone about how I'm feeling. But I don't care about others so why expect them to care about me? That's just ridiculous. Oh oh oh, maybe ill just pay someone to care. Maybe that will help.
Nope, not interested.

What are you supposed to do without family or friends, direction or compassion?
When do you just roll over and give up?

Hilarious.

Lol.
Sitting in Guelph.
Laughing.

Look up John Mulaney stand up. What's new pussycat.
You'll understand. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I want to marry him <3

Winter winds.

"And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no"..


People say that the new year is the ideal time for change. But for me, however, winter is the end of something - spring is the beginning.
Throughout my negativity, anger, distain and feeling discombobulated, I still have hope. That's all I have.

Kid President.

Just in case you haven't seen this, it's worth a watch. It even made me smile.
Kids are much smarter than adults.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?sns=fb&v=l-gQLqv9f4o&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dl-gQLqv9f4o%26sns%3Dfb

Words.

Disconnected.
Cynical.
Unresponsive.
Absent.
Unemotional.
Inconsiderate.
Blunt.
Rude.
Careless.

The list could go on.

These are all words that I define myself and would bet others would use as well.
I am completely burnt out emotionally and have no ability to care for anyone else at the moment. It's written all over my face and seen through my body language.
After the emotional beating I've had over the past while, it's hard to wrap my head around giving any type of shit for anyone. My motivation and interest in anyone is basically nil.

So I guess this is an apology to anyone that tries. Tries to be friendly, sympathetic, or kind to me. I honestly think it is ridiculous and will probably be thinking you're an idiot. It is a waste of time and breath, and you cannot help.

Thank you, but no. Please invest your time in someone that will be slightly responsive and who cares. You will not find that here.

Compassion is down the drain.

5.

It's going to seriously suck going back to work tomorrow. It's been quite lovely having almost a week off.

My time off has given me the opportunity to start a new show that I am watching religiously ( ironic ).
Sons of Anarchy.
It starts off a little slow but still makes you want to watch more because of all the hidden agendas and thickening plots. Plus, I've heard that it keeps getting better and better as the seasons go on. Further, it doesn't hurt that Charlie Hunnam is oddly attractive. Not sure what it is about blondes that makes me swoon.

I've had sex dreams for the past few nights so hopefully tonight is no exception!
Guess I should hit the hay.

5.

Back "home".

Not glad to be back, but that's the way it goes I guess. Was tearing up a bit on the way from the harsh realization that the only thing waiting for me or what I was looking forward to, was Madi. Toronto doesn't hold much for me anymore. I didn't see the point in coming back. Notice I'm not referring to Toronto as home.

However I do smell like I've been doused in cologne - a lasting remembrance of the trip and feeling satisfied overall.

Ill be writing the details soon, just too tired to start tonight.