I feel like I'm going to be sick tonight... I feel it rising in my throat and can almost taste it.
I'm reading The Secret and it's supposed to be motivational and thought provoking - but it's just reminding me of my negative mind and negative thoughts... And these negatives thoughts are bringing me negative experiences because that's what I am putting into the universe.
I just feel so alone. Probably more alone than I have ever been. Someone told me today that I have nothing keeping me here and it's true. I could try and start over somewhere new or I could stay in the same spot.
My red flame is now blue.
My life and everyone in it seems boring and typical. I want inspiration and spontaneity and love and happiness. Why aren't people like this anymore? Is it that we turn a certain age and stop living? Turn into the walking dead? I feel dead on a day to day basis and haven't felt alive in a long time. Even after my interesting weekend, I wasn't thrilled, I wasn't changed, I wasn't different.
What's wrong with me? What happened to my flame? Am I destined to live with a blue flame until it runs out for good?
I used to have so much faith in love and life and happiness. I may not have had all of these things at once but I had them.
Where did it all go? Where did I go?
I don't want to be like this forever- maybe the universe will see that I'm searching for something - maybe someone who will restore my faith in love and life and send them to me.
Sigh... I'm asking too much.
I want to see the sun again.
