New and Improved.

I haven't written about my new job, but it's keeping me fairly busy. I missed that feeling. A lot of the busyness has to do with sitting at the bar after work drinking and testing food on the menu. The general consensus is that I like my new job and look forward to going to work... And we have really good nachos. I know I'll laugh and have a good time. Plus, it's nice making money again.

Although I do enjoy my job, I look forward to my day off tomorrow. I worked for the last 7 days straight and am excited to do absolutely nothing all day.

I'm going to watch some shows and relax with my cat.

There wasn't much point to me writing, other than to say I'm glad the way things are now. I'm slowly getting back to myself.

Hugs.

I wish I didn't break everything I touch.
I feel that things are changing and not sure what to do.

One thing I know for sure - a kitty hug may involve hair going up your nose or in your mouth, but it does make you feel good.

Nutcracker.

It's that time of the year again! I believe I have said it before, but when I see The Nutcracker every year, it feels as though it is the beginning of the Christmas season. It's usually colder, maybe even snow on the ground and the music... Oh the music really is Christmas music. I couldn't listen to it any other time of the year. Plus, it's a great excuse to dress up pretty!
It's running a little later than usual, so ill be seeing the show only a few days before Christmas. This may mean that I am a grinch leading right up until Christmas. I guess that's not much different than any other year :p

I think this Christmas will be the start of many new traditions, or at least, changing them a little. I haven't decided if this is scary, sad or exciting. I'm teetering on the edge of traditions I was brought up with and growing up and making new ones. The next couple months will require a lot of hard work to get through, but once I do, I hope to finally get back to the person I thought I was and hope I still am.
Listening to music again has helped too - it clears my mind and I find that singing is quite stress relieving.
Anyways before I go off on a tangent, I'm going to go to sleep.
Hope tomorrow isn't too awkward back at FC...

Mistakes.

People make them sometimes.
I would've preferred you to slash my tires.

Ass.

Sometimes I think people go out of their way to be douchebags when I'm just trying to be better.

Single-minded to the point of recklessness...

My my my.

I think I may have just thought of the best idea ever...
More details to come later.

Feast.

Apparently I was going through chocolate withdrawal because I have the following in my apartment right now:
- two bite brownies
- chocolate bars
- chocolate chip cookies
- chocolate ice cream
- chocolate croissants
- coconut cream pie

I know the last one is not chocolate but its still worth putting on the list of reasons why I may get a little chubby.

Looks like my butts about to get bigger! It always seems to go there first. Lucky me.

There seems to be something about chocolate and raspberries that always relaxes me. It's a perfect end to a day.

Election.

So Obama won. Big surprise. However it is nice to know that the US didn't just give the republicans majority. That would've been interesting and terrible. No women's rights! Thank god I don't live in America.

On a separate note, I went to see Argo. It seemed to fit the political craziness that is Election Day, and it did not disappoint. It was an excellent film. I recommend it. It also put the Canadians in a great light (saviors) and same with the Americans.

So if you have been feeling political this week, go catch a movie. Otherwise, wait until Skyfall comes out, I'm sure it will be just as suspenseful.

Screw it.

I took my blog down because I didn't think people wanted to know about my negativity lately, but you know what? I don't care. I like writing and having people read my thoughts and getting to know me. So I've been down, doesn't mean to shut myself off.

I decided to put it back up because I want to vent about the lemons and strawberries again. I apologize it has been mostly lemons as of late, but I am starting to come around to the idea that this was just a temporary phase - and that I will get back to who I know I am to be soon.

On a separate note:
I wanted to download some new music and asked around for some ideas.

The ones I picked so far:
New Mumford (obv)
New Temper Trap
New Metric
Mother Mother
The Lumineers
Silversun pickups
Of monsters and men
Passion Pit
Young the Giant
Muse
Alex Clare

I'm basically going to get rid of everything off my iPod ( except my favs) and listen to some new stuff. I've been listening to Young the Giant on repeat right now so we will see. I don't usually like music the first time I hear it.

Tomorrow should be a fun day - going back to some old traditions and finally making money. Looks like I may be able to afford my rent next month!

But seriously, I am starting to feel better as each day passes. I don't feel like I hit rock bottom, but I was close enough to know that it's not what I want for myself.

My apologizes if I cut anyone out, but I'm just trying to surround myself with positive people- it's what I need right now.

Also, I posted about watching V for Vendetta tonight and noticed that someone on my Facebook noted that 8 people had done the same. I just wanted to say how cool it is that an idea really can touch people and motivate them. I watch it every year and am glad that others do too. It reminds me to use the voice i have and fight for what i believe in (obviously the movie was about society but I'm generalizing.)

If you didn't watch it tonight I recommend making it a tradition to remember remember the 5th of November.

Good night.

Lonely. Sometimes.

Yesterday I felt a little lonely. But today I felt a little more myself.

I had a pretty cool dream involving me working as a scientist in space and discovering a new world in a different universe that was very similar to ours. The only differences were that everyone was treated the same and there was no currency. Everyone lived on cruise ships and were treated like royalty.
I had never seen so many stars.... It was one of the coolest and most memorable dreams I have ever had.

Sleep has definitely been easier and more consistent lately. It's been a nice change.

There is something about knowing i am truly loved by someone that makes me feel differently and hopeful about my future. Maybe it's just the fact that no matter what I do or if I fall behind, there will always be someone rooting for me to get back up again and try again.

Some people say that you should love thyself first and foremost, but being loved doesn't harm anyone either.

Heard a quote today I liked as well.
"You're only as sick as your secrets"

Doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about but I don't want to forget it either.

Night puddin.

Normal.

I had a really pleasant day today. I felt more normal - back to me. I was smiling, laughing, making jokes and I think more pleasant to be around overall.

It was also nice not being on my phone all the time. For obvious reasons of course, but also because I wasn't keeping track of the time and just enjoying my day. Probably didn't hurt that the sun finally peaked out while driving.

It was refreshing. I want every day to be like today.
I'm going to bed relaxed and happy.

The Secret.

I feel like I'm going to be sick tonight... I feel it rising in my throat and can almost taste it.

I'm reading The Secret and it's supposed to be motivational and thought provoking - but it's just reminding me of my negative mind and negative thoughts... And these negatives thoughts are bringing me negative experiences because that's what I am putting into the universe.

I just feel so alone. Probably more alone than I have ever been. Someone told me today that I have nothing keeping me here and it's true. I could try and start over somewhere new or I could stay in the same spot.

My red flame is now blue.
My life and everyone in it seems boring and typical. I want inspiration and spontaneity and love and happiness. Why aren't people like this anymore? Is it that we turn a certain age and stop living? Turn into the walking dead? I feel dead on a day to day basis and haven't felt alive in a long time. Even after my interesting weekend, I wasn't thrilled, I wasn't changed, I wasn't different.

What's wrong with me? What happened to my flame? Am I destined to live with a blue flame until it runs out for good?

I used to have so much faith in love and life and happiness. I may not have had all of these things at once but I had them.

Where did it all go? Where did I go?
I don't want to be like this forever- maybe the universe will see that I'm searching for something - maybe someone who will restore my faith in love and life and send them to me.

Sigh... I'm asking too much.

I want to see the sun again.