My motivation is almost approaching zero. I have felt sick to my stomach for almost a week and cannot get rid of it. I am very easily put down lately, and my attitude and my waist line are dwindling away. Maybe my stomach hurts because I am hungry, or I am still so disgusted at how things worked out. I always strive to succeed and do not take disappoint well. I like to think that I get what I want when I want it, and I can do anything I set my mind to.
However, the cherry to my very dry and tasteless cupcake happened today when I went in for the highly anticipated interview, and came out feeling low, defeated, and just awful. In retrospect, it would have been better to wait until I am not such an emotional hurricane, but I felt like it was what I needed to get back on my feet again.
Wrong.
After yesterday's 12 hour day of a lot of work and no pay off, plus making a gigantic error that is going to cost me upwards of $1400.00, my confidence was lower than the low of last week. That is seriously saying something. I am starting to realize that all the trips and the things I work hard for are for nothing because I cannot be satisfied with my reality of my shit ton life. Sure, I could move somewhere else and run away from the unhappiness that I create, or I could just be satisfied being unsatisfied. I have faith in people and life that things work out and that happiness is #1 and I am going to get everything I want.
Wrong.
I would usually delete every memory of what makes me feel this way, but I have planted photos and reminders everywhere so I do not get false hope in happiness and love and life. This is important for me to realize that my confidence was a sham and I am no better than the average person. I have no idea why I have felt like that for the past few years.
I think I just did this to make myself feel better about being a terrible and judgmental human being. Expecting people to give me the world because I tried to be everything I could be. Pretending that my average looks and non-existent independence meant that I was better than everyone, and deserved things that I did not. When in reality, I am probably more screwed up and emotionally unstable than the average person, and on top of that, a terrible person to my core.
Correct.
I am someone that can never fully be what someone needs, that I am just "eh", not "wow". Proof is shown time and time again that I am nothing very special and not someone you want your family to meet. I mean, I don't really have a family, or friends, or a job I enjoy, or passion for anything in particular.
Correct.
So far, 2012 has been a stupid and depressing year. I have tried to fill my thoughts of the summer and how happy I am during it, but if I have no one to share it with, what is the point. I would like to find someone to share my time with. Unfortunately, I just do not think I will ever been good enough to keep someone around.
Proven.
