Vino.

Nothing beats a bottle of wine at 4am to get a few hours of sleep.

Anger Management.

So I joined an anger management class.

It is known to some as Dodgeball.

There is something incredibly soothing about whipping a ball at a stranger's face. I can honestly say that I wish it was more than once a week.

That may make me a bad person, but try it. You will completely understand.

On a different topic, TGIF!!! I am doing shit-all at work today since I won't be back for almost a week. I'm ready to burn my skin and drink as much as I want. I'm even going to sport a new bathing suit, which I am going to go pick up today at lunch.

Bahamas, here I come.

:)

I hope it thunderstorms tonight so I can watch it over the lake.

Dazed and Confuzzled.

My motivation is almost approaching zero. I have felt sick to my stomach for almost a week and cannot get rid of it. I am very easily put down lately, and my attitude and my waist line are dwindling away. Maybe my stomach hurts because I am hungry, or I am still so disgusted at how things worked out. I always strive to succeed and do not take disappoint well. I like to think that I get what I want when I want it, and I can do anything I set my mind to.

However, the cherry to my very dry and tasteless cupcake happened today when I went in for the highly anticipated interview, and came out feeling low, defeated, and just awful. In retrospect, it would have been better to wait until I am not such an emotional hurricane, but I felt like it was what I needed to get back on my feet again.

Wrong.

After yesterday's 12 hour day of a lot of work and no pay off, plus making a gigantic error that is going to cost me upwards of $1400.00, my confidence was lower than the low of last week. That is seriously saying something. I am starting to realize that all the trips and the things I work hard for are for nothing because I cannot be satisfied with my reality of my shit ton life. Sure, I could move somewhere else and run away from the unhappiness that I create, or I could just be satisfied being unsatisfied. I have faith in people and life that things work out and that happiness is #1 and I am going to get everything I want.

Wrong.

I would usually delete every memory of what makes me feel this way, but I have planted photos and reminders everywhere so I do not get false hope in happiness and love and life. This is important for me to realize that my confidence was a sham and I am no better than the average person. I have no idea why I have felt like that for the past few years.

I think I just did this to make myself feel better about being a terrible and judgmental human being. Expecting people to give me the world because I tried to be everything I could be. Pretending that my average looks and non-existent independence meant that I was better than everyone, and deserved things that I did not. When in reality, I am probably more screwed up and emotionally unstable than the average person, and on top of that, a terrible person to my core.

Correct.

I am someone that can never fully be what someone needs, that I am just "eh", not "wow". Proof is shown time and time again that I am nothing very special and not someone you want your family to meet. I mean, I don't really have a family, or friends, or a job I enjoy, or passion for anything in particular.

Correct.

So far, 2012 has been a stupid and depressing year. I have tried to fill my thoughts of the summer and how happy I am during it, but if I have no one to share it with, what is the point. I would like to find someone to share my time with. Unfortunately, I just do not think I will ever been good enough to keep someone around.

Proven.

Crying.

I had a great day yesterday, followed by the worst day in my Flight Centre career.
I made a huge error...

I want to cry and crawl into a hole for a while. My vacation cannot come soon enough.

Good day.

I had a short but solid sleep. A beer before bed has been my savior for the past few nights (or numerous).
I got spoiled at work - I had clients today that bought everyone coffee, my hot Australian is going home so he got us all bottles of wine and chocolates as a thank you . I wish I was going with him.
Sat on a patio almost getting blown away, luckily I got out of work early so got to enjoy the afternoon weather. I watched Game of Thrones (good episode) and even went grocery shopping! All I need now is a new bikini, some tanning time and I am ready for the Bahamas. I got my itinerary today and I am literally going to be sitting on a beach for four days getting burnt and enjoying myself. Only 6 more days until I am lounging on a beach soaking in the rays. It's amazing how better I feel simply by the weather. I was jamming out yesterday and today with the windows down and the hair blowing in my face.
It's been a good day.

Shirt.

A little perverted but I want a t-shirt that says Orgasm Donor on it.