Final Verdict.

I just wanted to say that this will be my last post for a little while. I just want to focus on myself, and honesty i don't care to remember these feelings, nor do I want anyone knowing much about me.

When things turn around, and it's a time when every post is positive rather than negative, you can read about me again... But for now, I am out.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNN,

Holy geez son! I fuggin' love Breaking Bad. What a quality show... Finally watching the finale and it's pretty intense.

OHHHH MAN. I recommend watching - solid show. Basically like watching a movie. So good!!


That is all.

Milk.

Mmmmm... Nothing like a hot cup of milk to calm your nerves before sleep. Try it before you judge it.


I really think I need to plan a trip out west... Kath, you just made my week! Xxoxoxo I love you.

So Lost.

I have my phone interview tomorrow morning. I am absolutely thrilled.. Or I was. I wanted to study and make sure I nailed it.
Now I am lying in bed after seeing that movie. Good movie. Sad movie. A movie full of reminders of the things I lack in life - the support system I don't have, the things i have been through, the career set I don't have, and the significant other that isn't quite so significant. I have lost my motivation to study for this interview. I wish I was not so controlled by my emotions.

I just want a back rub, and fall asleep to someone singing to me. Alas. I am alone once again.

I think the fact my life sucks right now is greater than 50/50.

Spoiling Myself.

I bought a new couch this weekend. Not really that exciting, is it. However, it was the most giddy I had been in a while. I feel like I always have to be doing something or buying myself something to be content, even if it's always just temporary. I was looking forward to creating my own living space, decorating and organizing the way I wanted to. Now that its done I think to myself... What next? I need an ever-changing lifestyle to be content with my situation. I hate getting stuck in one spot and consistency. Consistency is boring. Of course we need some consistency, but I need to switch things up all the time. I think this is why a job that enables me to travel would be my ultimate dream job. I would love to write memoirs about the experiences I have all over the world. I tried writing my novel today but my keyboard is so messed up it still won't let me. Unless I want my entire novel to be the letter 'r' on repeat for 30,000 words. Not so much. I think deep down I want to be swept off my feet and live the life of a character from a romance novel.
I always thought I wanted to go into health care because I figured it was one of the few jobs that always keep you on your toes... I'm starting to realize that maybe I was meant for something different. I hope I figure out what it is before I run away to find it. I don't think it would be a temporary fix this time.

End of the Rope.

I feel like I am on a tightrope hovering above the ground trying very hard to stay balanced. If I fall to the left, I could break bones and lose my passion to move forward. If I fall to the right, I could land uninjured but still feel unmotivated and empty.

If I could keep myself composed and focused, I could continue on my journey without looking back. I try to do this but the wind is so strong, it pushing me in all directions... Back, left, right and forward. Which way am I meant to go? I take another step and think of all the amazing things waiting for me at the end. I can't see it, but I know it's there. Happiness. Success. Love.

I want all these things so I close my eyes, take a deep breath and take another step forward.

I truly hope these things are really there and not an illusion of a life I was never meant to have.

Laughable Timing.

Ha, so I just got accepted to my program at Sheridan... "firm admit" it says.
Seems pretty suiting that it happens as soon as I don't have anyone to celebrate with...


Going to sleep instead. Oh wait, I have a bottle of wine! Celebratory night commences.
Nahh, definitely want to sleep more.

Turkey dump.

Remains true even after university. I may be sick to my stomach, broken finger and cut feet but I hope this means I can finally stop worrying that I was making a mistake by staying with someone who constantly lies and doesn't care about his loyalty to anyone but himself and his fetal alcohol syndrome girlfriend. Fuck you. Thank you for having absolutely no balls. Everything seems much better in theory.

Weird feeling.

I realized today how much I miss bartending. I think I just mostly miss working more with people I actually liked (for the most part). I need something more from this job.